"Things" (1989), Dir: Andrew Jordan
$35,000 Budget vs. Straight to VHS Release
Myself and peers have always been fans of bad movies. Learning from the good folk at Red Letter Media that the low-budget Canadian film Things was about as bad as it gets, I took a gamble and bought it for a friend for Christmas. We watched it, laughed at first, but then finding ourselves very tired and frustrated by the end. I think my friend described it best: "[Things] is a movie with everything wrong with it."
I was shocked to discover that things had a budget of $35,000. (I could make twelve movies with that much.) I'm assuming that most of that went into the practical effects and porn star Amber Lynn's five minutes of screen time. It certainly did not go into the opening credits, which were clearly done on a computer and bad even by 1989 standards. The scoring was the worst part. Clearly Midi music and sounded like the free samples you get when you buy the program. After the first couple of minutes, my friend yelled "This has gotta be a student film!" But when Amber Lynn suddenly appeared, we knew for sure it wasn't... No Nova Scotia Film Student would have Amber Lynn in his little black book. Not for this crap. Nope. Turns out it was just some guys, a Super 8 camera, and not a f&$%ing clue what they were doing.
The movie opens with a particularly disturbing scene in a dingy basement where a bearded man meets up with a naked woman in a mask (and no, the naked woman is not Amber Lynn). After seeing this whole movie through, I've come to the conclusion that the bearded man was Doug Drake (Doug Bunston), who we formally meet later in the film. He keeps screaming at the woman that he wants her to have his baby. The naked woman responds "I've already had your baby." She produces something wrapped in a blanket that causes Doug to scream... Now, whether or not this is a real event in the movie, I'm not sure. I actually don't know the purpose of this scene except to set up that Doug wants children... Odd way of conveying that sentiment.
From there, the movie cuts to Amber Lynn playing a local news reporter. Because the filmmakers could not afford a real studio, they made due with some random TVs and a shelf as a backdrop. Now that's indie! Clearly reading her lines from off screen, Amber tells the audience of the recent power outage and how it's left the east side of wherever in complete darkness. Now, I don't know how this information applies to the main story. The main story follows Don Drake (Director Andrew Jordan) and his buddy Fred Horton (Bruce Roach) as the two go to visit Don's brother Doug ("I want you to have my baby!") and his wife Susan (Patricia Saddler) at their cabin while Susan is pregnant.
So the local news claims the power is out, but when the guys get to the cabin in the woods, it's clearly on. The lights work, the fridge is on, the TV works... So what was the point of highlighting that the power was off? Maybe they just wanted to show that they somehow managed to get a porn star to play a role that she's totally not suited for? C'mon, ya goofs!
Moving on, while Don and Fred manage to find some of Doug's beer in the fridge, they also uncover a recorder... which is tucked away in the cabin freezer... for whatever reason. Deciding that the freezer is a good place to store things, Don removes his jacket, also stores it in the freezer, and the two play the spooky mysterious tape. Deliberately referencing/stealing from Evil Dead, the record emits strange, haunting sounds. Do these voices awaken the evil, carnivorous Things to attack our heroes? Nope. In fact, the recorder has no purpose in the story whatsoever. "So what is its purpose then?", you ask. Well, to highlight that these guys are fans of Evil Dead and are also making a movie that features a main character in a blue shirt... Duh.
From that point, the movie suddenly goes to scene I still have not been able to figure out. Even after seeing the movie, I'm not sure if this part's a flashback, or happening at the same time, or whether it's a dream, or what even it's purpose is, but it involves a character named Dr. Lucas (Susan's doctor, played by Jan W. Pachul) removing a patient's tongue and eyes... Now, generally, I cannot stand watching torture. I hate the Saw and Hostel movies. I like gore, but not torture. I don't even like the torture scene in the first Lethal Weapon and everybody calls me a wuss for that. But with Things, never have I been so unaffected by torture on screen as I have with this movie. The gore was decent enough (possibly the only thing the filmmakers did right), but I was so confused as to what was going on that I just didn't care, not even enough to be slightly disgusted.
Anyways, back to our buddies at the cabin: Doug has now joined the boys while Susan sleeps in the other room, complaining that the pain of her pregnancy is so bad that she wants to kill herself (while the actress keeps smiling the whole time). The guys drink some beers, watch some TV, and finally make some sandwiches... It's a whole lot of nothing with them doing nothing, and it goes on for nearly ten minutes. Then Susan screams. Oh no! She's in labor! But this baby is not the baby they expected. It's a monster that resembles the Queen Alien mixed with a giant spider. It rips through her stomach, killing her instantly. Unsure how to react, the guys shut the door, run back to the kitchen, and grab some more beers to think things over... Yep. That's what they do.
From here on, the movie pretty much goes back and forth between the guys either drinking in the kitchen (an east coast tradition called a "Kitchen Party"); fighting off the Things that are presumably still coming out of Susan's corpse by the dozens; and Amber Lynn reporting news that doesn't matter. On a plus note, the Things themselves look pretty good, but this depends on how many characters are being attacked at a time; meaning in a cast/production of three people, one can operate the camera, one can be on camera, and one can operate the Thing-puppet to look scary. Otherwise, the creatures remain perfectly dormant and don't seem threatening at all.
But what's even less threatening is when the drill and chainsaw the guys are using to fight the Things both have extension cords clearly plugged in to them. I don't know if this was a mistake or not, but seeing an electrical cord makes it very hard to get excited or even intimidated by any of this... Also, I thought the power was out in the east end. Are these events not in the east end? If not, then what's the point of even... Ah, f&%$ it. As my friend said, "This movie has everything wrong with it."
Things is a very difficult movie to understand, watch, or enjoy. It's hard to understand because I don't know where the Things themselves came from. I'm assuming Doug and Dr. Lucas tried to get Susan pregnant in some kind of weird experiment gone wrong (that's what the synopsis says at least). However, that is never made clear, so you don't know what to think. It's difficult to watch because it was shot on Super 8, has sh&%ty lighting, and all the dialogue is poorly dubbed. So there's that. Finally, it's difficult to enjoy because it's so terrible that I don't know if I can even call it funny-terrible... just terrible.
Should you see it? Yes. Just to see how bad a movie can really get. And I mean bad. But I think it only warrants one viewing, if you can make it through the whole thing... Get it? I said whole thing... Ah, f&*$ this movie. (WARNING: Trailer contains nudity and not good nudity either.)
And for your viewing displeasure, Red Letter Media's take on Things. I don't think I can do this movie as much justice as they can.
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