Hello, Internet So I stopped posting blogs for a while. Reason
being that I got tired of writing about movies as opposed to making
them. So my absence has been so that I may return to production... Yeah, I know. No one cares... The following video is a "making-of" for a cheese
commercial that a friend and I embarked upon and will probably never see
the light of day... but the outtakes are pretty funny. Check out the
newly transformed Shooting From The Hip, now in video.
Myself and peers have always been fans of bad movies. Learning from the good folk at Red Letter Media that the low-budget Canadian film Things was about as bad as it gets, I took a gamble and bought it for a friend for Christmas. We watched it, laughed at first, but then finding ourselves very tired and frustrated by the end. I think my friend described it best: "[Things] is a movie with everything wrong with it."
I was shocked to discover that things had a budget of $35,000. (I could make twelve movies with that much.) I'm assuming that most of that went into the practical effects and porn star Amber Lynn's five minutes of screen time. It certainly did not go into the opening credits, which were clearly done on a computer and bad even by 1989 standards. The scoring was the worst part. Clearly Midi music and sounded like the free samples you get when you buy the program. After the first couple of minutes, my friend yelled "This has gotta be a student film!" But when Amber Lynn suddenly appeared, we knewfor sure it wasn't... No Nova Scotia Film Student would have Amber Lynn in his little black book. Not for this crap. Nope. Turns out it was just some guys, a Super 8 camera, and not a f&$%ing clue what they were doing.
The movie opens with a particularly disturbing scene in a dingy basement where a bearded man meets up with a naked woman in a mask(and no, the naked woman is not Amber Lynn).After seeing this whole movie through, I've come to the conclusion that the bearded man was Doug Drake (Doug Bunston), who we formally meet later in the film. He keeps screaming at the woman that he wants her to have his baby. The naked woman responds "I've already had your baby." She produces something wrapped in a blanket that causes Doug to scream... Now, whether or not this is a real event in the movie, I'm not sure. I actually don't know the purpose of this scene except to set up that Doug wants children... Odd way of conveying that sentiment.
From there, the movie cuts to Amber Lynn playing a local news reporter. Because thefilmmakers could not afford a real studio, theymade due with some random TVs and a shelf as a backdrop. Now that's indie! Clearly reading her lines from off screen, Amber tells the audience of the recent power outage and how it's left the east side of wherever in complete darkness. Now, I don't know how this information applies to the main story. The main story follows Don Drake (Director Andrew Jordan) and his buddy Fred Horton (Bruce Roach) as the two go to visit Don's brother Doug ("I want you to have my baby!") and his wife Susan (Patricia Saddler) at their cabin while Susan is pregnant.
So the local news claims the power is out, but when the guys get to the cabin in the woods, it's clearly on. The lights work, the fridge is on, the TV works... So what was the point of highlighting that the power was off? Maybe they just wanted to show that they somehow managed to get a porn star to play a role that she's totally not suited for? C'mon, ya goofs!
Moving on, while Don and Fred manage to find some of Doug's beer in the fridge, they also uncover a recorder... which is tucked away in the cabin freezer... for whatever reason. Deciding that the freezer is a good place to store things, Don removes his jacket, also stores it in the freezer, and the two play the spooky mysterious tape. Deliberately referencing/stealing from Evil Dead, the record emits strange, haunting sounds. Do these voices awaken the evil, carnivorous Things to attack our heroes? Nope. In fact, the recorder has no purpose in the story whatsoever. "So what is its purpose then?", you ask. Well, to highlight that these guys are fans of Evil Dead and are also making a movie that features a main character in a blue shirt... Duh.
From that point, the movie suddenly goes to scene I still have not been able to figure out. Even after seeing the movie, I'm not sure if this part's a flashback, or happening at the same time, or whether it's a dream, or what even it's purpose is, but it involves a character named Dr. Lucas (Susan's doctor, played by Jan W. Pachul) removing a patient's tongue and eyes... Now, generally, I cannot stand watching torture. I hate the Saw and Hostel movies. I like gore, but not torture. I don't even like the torture scene in the first Lethal Weapon and everybody calls me a wuss for that. But with Things, never have I been so unaffected by torture on screen as I have with this movie. The gore was decent enough (possibly the only thing the filmmakers did right), but I was so confused as to what was going on that I just didn't care, not even enough to be slightly disgusted.
Anyways, back to our buddies at the cabin: Doug has now joined the boys while Susan sleeps in the other room, complaining that the pain of her pregnancy is so bad that she wants to kill herself (while the actress keeps smiling the whole time). The guys drink some beers, watch some TV, and finally make some sandwiches... It's a whole lot of nothing with them doing nothing, and it goes on for nearly ten minutes. Then Susan screams. Oh no! She's in labor! But this baby is not the baby they expected. It's a monster that resembles the Queen Alien mixed with a giant spider. It rips through her stomach, killing her instantly. Unsure how to react, the guys shut the door, run back to the kitchen, and grab some more beers to think things over... Yep. That's what they do.
From here on, the movie pretty much goes back and forth between the guys either drinking in the kitchen (an east coast tradition called a "Kitchen Party"); fighting off the Things that are presumably still coming out of Susan's corpse by the dozens; and Amber Lynn reporting news that doesn't matter. On a plus note, the Things themselves look pretty good, but this depends on how many characters are being attacked at a time; meaning in a cast/production of three people, one can operate the camera, one can be on camera, and one can operate the Thing-puppet to look scary. Otherwise, the creatures remain perfectly dormant and don't seem threatening at all.
But what's even less threatening is when the drill and chainsaw the guys are using to fight the Things both have extension cords clearly plugged in to them. I don't know if this was a mistake or not, but seeing an electrical cord makes it very hard to get excited or even intimidated by any of this... Also, I thought the power was out in the east end. Are these events not in the east end? If not, then what's the point of even... Ah, f&%$ it. As my friend said, "This movie has everything wrong with it."
Things is a very difficult movie to understand, watch, or enjoy. It's hard to understand because I don't know where the Things themselves came from. I'm assuming Doug and Dr. Lucas tried to get Susan pregnant in some kind of weird experiment gone wrong (that's what the synopsis says at least). However, that is never made clear, so you don't know what to think. It's difficult to watch because it was shot on Super 8, has sh&%ty lighting, and all the dialogue is poorly dubbed. So there's that. Finally, it's difficult to enjoy because it's so terrible that I don't know if I can even call it funny-terrible... just terrible.
Should you see it? Yes. Just to see how bad a movie can really get. And I mean bad. But I think it only warrants one viewing, if you can make it through the whole thing... Get it? I said whole thing... Ah, f&*$ this movie.(WARNING: Trailer contains nudity and not good nudity either.)
And for your viewing displeasure, Red Letter Media's take on Things. I don't think I can do this movie as much justice as they can.
The "Enlarged Animal Film" (I guess that's what we'll call it) has evolved into, well, quite a mess in the last decade or so. What started with the success of Jaws in the 70s, Roger Corman turned into an industry on its own. Shark films have become their own genre, followed by any other large animal that could eat humans. This is one of those others movies. Probably as other as it gets. I chose this film particularly because it melds two of those different genres together: Snake Films (an endless string of films that ripped off Anaconda) and the Versus Movies (which have been around since Godzilla's universe/franchise expanded). This particular movie combines two near-identical movies with near identical monsters to come together and brawl it out... Oh, boy. Hold onto your hats, folks!
The movie opens with a truck transporting what is presumably one of the giant snakes as it inter-cuts with a professional wrestling match, where some sleazy casino-owner named Broddrick is in attendance. He receives a phone call telling him "his package" is on the way. But shortly after making that call, the convoy stops. The package has woken and it's angry. The convoy readies the tranquilizer gun to put the big snake down, but the snake (Boa or Python?) gets loose, killing them all. As this carnage happens, the movie cuts back as Broddick watches as two Luchador wrestlers - one named Boa and the other named Python (wink, wink) - enter the arena. Now that, folks, is what I call symbolism!
Broddrick and his sexy girlfriend get on a plane and high-tail it out of there. The scene offers us some obligatory nudity while plot as well, but also features one of Broddick's pet snakes (a clearly rubber one) getting loose in the bathroom. This particular snake yelps like a puppy when picked up or tossed around.
Before Broddrick and his girlfriend indulge in high-altitude sin, Broddrick unravels his plot to organize a big-game hunting expedition for the wealthy and use the giant python as their target. Then, he conveniently turns on the TV and discovers through the news that his convoy carrying the giant snake has been destroyed, meaning the snake is loose. Looks like the hunt's on early.
Meanwhile, the FBI apparently saw Python, so are already aware of the giant snake. They recruit a Playboy Playmate named Jaime Bergman, who pretends to be a marine biologist. How do we know she's a marine biologist? Because the movie introduces her in the middle of a contest where she and some fat dude are trying to see who can hold their breath under water the longest. She flashe him a bewb (which we do not see, considering she's a f&$@ing playmate) and ends up winning the contest. Now that's science, baby!
Now, apparently the marine biologist (Monica) has developed camera headgear designed to track dolphins, however, turns out the headgear can also be applied to dry-land animals. Hm... So, pretty much she developed headgear that any animal can wear and be tracked with. What's to say only animals can use it? What about humans?
Hmm. So, really, she developed some headgear that a human or animal can wear and the FBI can track them with it... You'd think the FBI would already have something like that. But for some reason they need to go consult this ridiculously hot scientist, who is pretty much the worst casting choice for a scientist since Denise Richards in that James Bond movie. Poor girl. She is beautiful, yes, but can't act in the slightest. Even in her reaction shots, it just doesn't look like she is thinking about anything... at all.
Anyways, the FBI wants Monica's device so they can send dolphins after the giant snake. Just kidding. But really, their plan is only slightly less preposterous. The FBI man and Monica seek out Dr. Emmett (underrated Canadian actor David Hewlett of Treed Murray) who has raised a genetically-enhanced boa named Betty. The plan is to attach the headgear to Betty in hopes that Betty will find the other large snake and kill it. Impressed by Betty, the FBI Man (whoever he is) comments, "This is big and big is nice." You bet it is, FBI Man.
Meanwhile, Broddick forms a group of all American badass hunters to go after the giant snake. It's a motley crew of rejects from the Fast And Furious movies and the father-son team from Honey I Shrunk The Kids. Their story is boring and pointless. Meanwhile, as this is happening, Monica and Dr. Emmett need more convincing to work together in a scene that literally functions just to repeat the plot again, three times over in a row... FBI MAN: "With your expertise, equipment, and boa, I think we can successfully locate and eliminate that python." MONICA: "Using my implants, we can track the boa track the python and see every move she makes?"
DR. EMMETT: "Let me get this straight. You want to attach that thing to my boa and use it to hunt down the python?" Wow. Now that's some phenomenal dialogue! But where the f@$& are the snakes? Oh, wait. There's one. And it's on screen for, like, 40 seconds... Now, as most typically horror movies go, there's a Teen Sex/Impending Death scene. This time, it happens in the middle of a fellatio party with the guy being eaten, miraculously replaced by the giant python, and the girl simply not noticing. From there, they both get devoured... Yep. There's the snake... and they went there.
As far as the rest goes, the two teams of characters (the military and the hunters) demonstrate some utter incompetency in their fields, especially when coming together to kill the giant snakes and accidentally killing each other instead. But overall, neither team really poses much threat to either giant snake. They're more of just a nuance to us and we want giant snake. There is one scene where the snake the military is rooting for (Betty) ends up killing a lot of their own people, but it's only 30 seconds. I wanted the damn snake to kill all the characters so there would be more snake.
And then, when the two snakes finally encounter one another, you'd expect this fight to finally get going... But no, it doesn't. Upon discovering each other, the two snakes start having Giant C.G.I. Snake Sex... I mean, I suppose it's a pretty special moment for the two, realizing they're not the only giant C.G.I. snake in the world. However, this is supposed to be a Versus Movie, so shouldn't we get to some goddamn snake-fighting already?! I mean, if this was Freddy vs. Jason and instead of fighting Freddy and Jason just started banging -- Aaahhhh! Dear God!
Like Hard Ticket to Hawaii, this movie contains a lot of myths about snakes one would think the filmmakers would want to avoid... but didn't. So here we go:
(1) When snakes eat people, they rip them limb from limb. Not true. They usually eat you whole. (2) Snakes never stop eating. Not true. If a snake managed to eat an entire human (or in this movie's case, several), it probably wouldn't need to eat again for a long, long time. (3) Snakes can whip people with their tails. Not true. (4) Snakes are bulletproof. Definitely not true. My girlfriend can attest to that. These snakes should've died. (5) Snakes are inherently evil. True, but I've have been told by others that's it not true. Agree to disagree.
For a movie featuring two giant C.G.I. snakes, it seems they could only afford an accumulated 7 to 10 minutes of C.G.I. in the whole film. The rest is just people talking about the snakes, running around aimlessly, flaunting their bewbs (male and female), torching sh@$ with flame throwers, and blowing stuff up. What little snake the movie offers makes it kinda funny, but you still want more snake.
It's worth seeing probably because it's probably the best of the Enlarged C.G.I. Animal vs. Enlarged C.G.I. Animal films. I'm going to wager it has more Enlarged C.G.I. Animal in it than most of these films. It probably can sum up the whole market for you in one film. But give it ten years. This will be considered the Citizen Kane of Enlarged C.G.I. Animal films because they aren't getting any better.
And for your viewing displeasure, the Teen Sex/Impending Death scene...
I used to watch this movie all the time. Re-watching it, I can't remember why. When the original writers of Last Action Hero couldn't properly imitate Shane Black's witty writing style, what started out as a spoof of Shane Black action movies (Lethal Weapon & The Last Boyscout) actually became a Shane Black action movie. That and Shane Black and John McTiernan (Die Hard & Predator) were in need of work, so why not spoof the genre they made famous? And make it for kids!
The movie opens as your typical 80s Schwarzenegger film. There's a hostage situation with children in the hands of an axe-wielding psychopath. (That's how they all were, right?) Suddenly, the scene goes completely out of focus and turns out to be a being played in a rundown, near-empty movie theater.....Stealing the plot-line from The NeverEnding Story,
Last Action Hero is about an inner city kid who through f@$%ing magic
gets sucked into an Arnold Schwarzenegger action movie. Its an appealing
idea, but much darker than expected for a kids' movie.
Its first ten minutes takes place in the bleakreality of Danny's world where he spends most of his days in a dingy movie theater. Danny has no friends, no father, and is a constant disappointment to his overworked mother. And to emphasize how crappy Danny's life is, they even have a scene where he gets robbed at knife-point. The robber handcuffs Danny to the toilet and forces him to go fishing for the key... Now, how is this a kid's movie? The first fifteen minutes is the stuff of urban nightmares: psychotic murderers, crime-ridden neighborhoods, heart-wrenching poverty... Sweet Jesus. Is Danny addicted to heroine too?
So after a visit to the police station, Danny neglects the detective's advise to go straight home and wait for his mother, and goes to the theater instead to see the new Jack Slater movie (Arnie's character). There, he is bestowed by Nick, the old projectionist, with a magic ticket...
Now, let's discuss the magic ticket for a second. Danny is regaled with the story of how Houdini gave Nick this ticket back when Nick was a child, and Houdini claimed to get it from "the best magician in India, and [that] he got it from the best magician in Tibet."
Harry Houdini was an active magician between the years 1891 - 1926. The first ever Indian film released was Shree pundalik, a silent film made in 1912. But, prior to forming The Indian Cinematograph Enquiry Committee in 1927, the few Indian production companies there were only produced on average ten films a year (and most weren't over 30 minutes long). So Indian film probably wasn't recognized internationally yet. Also, there is no mention of Harry Houdini having traveled to India when he was actively performing magic. This doesn't disprove that an Indian Magician gave Harry Houdini the ticket, just that it could not have been a ticket for an Indian film being as their industry was barely in existence yet. Also, Harry Houdini would have already been dead by a year by 1927. So the ticket must be for an American movie.The first public exhibition of a moving photographic image was at Koster and Bial's Music Hall in New York City in April in 1896, meaning movies were playing by time Harry Houdini was actively performing magic and prior to his death. So it's plausible that Harry Houdini might have seen a movie or several movies in his time, but due to the inherent racism of the era, I doubt any Indian Magicians would have been in an American theater with him. Also, Harry Houdini was a Jew, so his chances of seeing a matinee weren't so great either. But hypothetically, say that this Indian Magician and Harry Houdini got turned away at the door for the same movie. That might prompt the Indian Magician to give Harry Houdini his unused ticket... But to what purpose I am not sure...
Then there's this so-called Tibetan Magician. As far as the Tibetan Film Industry goes, try looking it up on wikipedia. You'll come up with nothing. The ticket would not have been for a Tibetan movie because there are and never have been any theaters in Tibet. And the Tibetan Magician probably would never have seen a movie theater before in his life, so would he even know what it is?
Then, of course, the Tibetan Magician would have to buy a ticket, not use it, then give it to the Indian Magician, who would not use it, then give it Harry Houdini, who would also not use it... You know what? I don't think Shane Black did any research into this claim. I think he just said "Hey, Houdini did magic and India sounds magical. How about we just put those two together? Then audiences will buy it! And for good measure, throw some Tibet in there too. It's mysterious." As Chief Wiggum said, "Magic Ticket my ass." Magic Ticket my ass indeed, Shane. Shoulda stopped at "I got the ticket from Harry Houdini. That's it."
Anyways, in the film's film-within-a-film, Jack Slater is caught in the middle of two powerful mobsters joining forces. First thing they do is kill Jack's favorite second-cousin Larry. Then a hit squad comes for Jack, throwing dynamite from a moving car. One of the TNT bundles comes straight off the screen and rolls down the theater aisle towards Danny. Questioning his reality, Danny runs for it - KA-BOOM!
Suddenly, Danny finds himself smack in the middle of the Jack Slater movie, experiencing all the action and AC/DC soundtrack close-up. (Click here for another gem with an AC/DC soundtrack.) But, from Jack's perspective, Danny has unexplainable knowledge about his world and personal life and becomes an asset to Jack and his current situation. Well, that settles it then. Jack's angry police makes Danny Jack's partner... Yep. That's realistic. It worked in Dick Tracy.
The intentions with this movie are very clear, just misguided. The producers wanted to tap the Arnold Schwarzenegger who had made audiences laugh with the hit comedy Twins, but thought it would be funny to spoof the hard-nosed action career that made him famous. Unfortunately, they didn't realize comedy wasn't a natural thing for Arnold. When Arnold killed somebody, slipped in a one-liner, and managed to get some laughs, was it because the audience actually thought he was funny? What was funny about Arnold's one-off's was how wrong they were. Murdering someone and making a joke about it is funny, but not for a kids movie. Imagine if PeeWee's Big Adventure suddenly turned into Natural Born Killers... Actually, that would be pretty great.
But it all just raises the question again of who this movie is really for? When you got a kids going to see a self-referential Arnie movie, in which Arnold kills lots of people, in a cartoonish PG fashion, and you got a whole lot of cameos (Sharon Stone, Robert Patrick, Pam Anderson, Odd Job, Jim Belushi, MC Hammer, Little Richard, JCVD, Tom Noonan) for movies that were rated R, and that kids couldn't even get into the theater to see, who is this movie really for? I've deduced that it's a film for kids who managed to watch movies they shouldn't have seen. We all were those kids, but Last Action Hero waters down the violence and grit to the point of losing the guilty pleasure action movies give the audience. And just because you add an animated cat in the movie voiced by Danny Devito in the mix doesn't make it a kids movie. Cool World had animated characters too.
That all said, some of the adult humor is quite funny. The most clever scene in the movie takes place in a Blockbuster Video where Danny questions the logic
of movie phone numbers and how they all seem to start with 555. "How can
everyone have a phone number with 555 in it?" Arnie brings up the
crippling point, "That's why we have area codes." That was pretty funny, but kids won't get that. Neither will they get the joke when the real Arnie is at the Jack Slater premiere and his former wife Maria Shriver tells him not to plug his restaurant. That was pretty funny too, but I actually went to Planet Hollywood and that was no joke.
With a running time of over two hours, this movie is far too long, definitely losing steam by time the villains enter the real world and Danny and Jack go after them. Why the villains would even want to leave their fantastical movie world for a bleak, depressing reality I'm not sure.
The villain Benedict says that he could open gates for other movie villains to enter the real world, but wouldn't he have already done that by now?
The movie was nominated for several Razzie Awards, but won none of them. It's not terrible. It kind of just falls into that era of Family Friend Arnold Schwarzenegger followed by Junior and Jingle All The Way. Of all those movies, this is probably the best one or maybe the least embarrassing. For those reasons, it's worth watching.
For your viewing displeasure, Danny's entrance into Jack Slater's world...
I remember seeing Bad Taste at a friend's house. While watching it, we're overjoyed to see the role of Derek being played by the film's director Peter Jackson. Then we were even more overjoyed to see the role of the alien menace Robert also played by Peter Jackson. Laughing our asses off, we watched as Robert actually attacks Derek, knocking him off a cliff into a pile of jagged rocks. Having just recently finished The Lord of The Rings trilogy, my friend brought up a point, "This guy just won an Academy Award, folks."
For those of you who have followed the career of Peter Jackson Pre-Lord of The Rings, you know that there are two Peter Jackson's. There is the Peter Jackson who brought us the B-movie gems Bad Taste, Meet The Feebles, and Dead Alive, later to elevate to The Frighteners and Heavenly Creatures. Then came the "New Peter Jackson" who made epic sagas like Lord of The Rings, The Hobbit, King Kong, Lovely Bones, etc. And as much as I like to say that I am proud of the New Peter Jackson for rising through the ranks and showing guys like Lucas, Spielberg, and Cameron how it's done, I miss the Old Peter Jackson... but also realize that he can never go back to his old ways. That's why seeing movies like Bad Taste shows how far this director has come.
In Bad Taste, a small New Zealand Town gets taken over by aliens, who have disguised themselves in human form, leaving the audience only able to tell they are aliens because they all wear blue shirts. But as the character Derek describes, "It's like we got a visit from a planet of Charlie Mansons." However, we never witness the town being taken over by aliens or the carnage that ensued, so the film's beginning is kinda boring. We really could have used one really big massacre to get us going. But once the violence does get started, the movie becomes much more entertaining.
The human characters are from The Astro Investigation & Defense Services (or AIDS), which makes a habit of employing gun-toting metal heads and creepy psychos. At the time of the town's disappearance, AID's own Barry and Derek are on the scene and managed to capture one of the aliens (Robert, also played by Peter Jackson). When Barry is attacked by a group of aliens and forced to hide in an abandoned shed, Derek begins torturing Robert for information... Now, to the untrained eye, most probably wouldn't even realize that they are essentially watching Peter Jackson torturing Peter Jackson.
When hearing the strange cries of Robert, the blue-shirt aliens go after Derek with mallets and sledgehammers (the best weapons earth has to offer) while Derek breaks out the uzi. "I'm a Derek and Derek's don't run." Then all hell breaks loose in one of the goriest gun battles (pre-Hobo With a Shotgun), but results in Derek falling off the cliff and splattering all over jagged rocks. (This sequence does have a hilarious dummy prat-fall.)
Meanwhile, a Bible Salesman stumbles into the abandoned town, only to find himself being hunted by Robert. The Salesman takes refuge in a nearby house, finding himself smack in the home-base of the alien invasion. Led by raspy Lord Crumb, he divulges to the salesmen that humans have become the new fast food sensation of the galaxy and that they are planning to harvest all of earth for their new chain.
As this is happens, back at the bluffs, Derek suddenly sits up, somehow alive. He notices several splattered (and incredibly fake-looking) dead seagulls where he landed, but also finds pieces of his brain on the ground. Soon enough, he comes to realize that his brain is falling out of the gaping wound in his head. Derek manages to use his belt and a top-hat to keep anymore brains from falling out. But now, literally losing his mind, Derek breaks out the chainsaw he's had waiting in the back of his van and begins his deranged quest for vengeance.
What does this movie have to offer? A lot of bad Hair Metal Soundtrack. Lots of falling, fumbling, or character's losing their guns. Elongated action sequences with predictable, unsurprising consequences. Characters constantly referring to each other by their names, even though they have apparently worked together for years. This movie definitely looks like something Peter Jackson made in his backyard with his friends. The only thing that really separates it from a student film is the Tom Savini-inspired gore and the spacecraft shaped like a house that takes off in the third act.
You could say that most of M. Night Shyamalan's movies should be on this list. Signs had the worst acting and possibly the worst climax I've ever seen. The Last Airbender was just a monumental joke. However, I choose The Happening based on it being M. Night's supposed "comeback movie" and then sucking 100% ass in almost every regard. It sums up pretty much the constant disappointment that has become his career.
M. Night started out with a lot of promise. The Sixth Sense was pretty much M. Night's retelling of The Shining, but without the hotel. It had a twist that shocked the world unless you're Director Doug Brown, who had no idea until 2002 that Bruce Willis' character was a ghost. He just thought he was cold all the time. But I don't know if M. Night can really be credited with the success of The Sixth Sense. The cast was utterly superb. You had Bruce Willis in his only performance where he didn't use a gun; Haley Joel Osment earning that Oscar nod; and Donnie Wahlberg, who gets very little credit for his terrifying performance as an escaped lunatic. But movie after movie, M. Night's films went from hokey to bad, to absolutely horrible. Twelve years later, his name has become synonymous with several of the worst movies ever made. Yet, for some reason, he keeps getting budgets of $130,000,000 when filmmakers like me can't even get a f$%@ing handshake.
The Happening stars Mark Wahlberg as Elliot Moore, a high school teacher caught up (somehow) in a strange epidemic. For some reason, mass groups of people are committing suicide without reason or rational explanation. Not knowing how to handle this, the characters flea the city in a vain attempt to get away from... whatever this is. Shyamalan described his idea as being in the same vein as "The Birds and Invasion of the Body Snatchers." Incorrect statement, sir. Those are actually good films. This is most definitely not. Even its star, Wahlberg himself claimed, "It was a
really bad movie... F%$@ it. It is what it is. F&%$ing trees, man.
The plants. F@#$ it. You can’t blame me for not wanting to try to play a
science teacher. At least I wasn’t playing a cop or a crook." Well,
there you have it, folks. Don't ever accuse Marky Mark of not standing by his director. But that being said, f%$@ing trees is right and we'll get back to that...
My biggest problem with The Happening is that a movie about mass suicide is a cheap shot in my mind. Suicide is something that generally rubs everybody wrong (I would hope). Exposing us to an hour and a half of it is kind of tasteless. It does lead to a handful of interesting sequences: There's the opening where construction workers throw themselves off a building, which is a pretty stark image. One sequence follows a gun that multiple people shoot themselves with. Kinda creative. But then there's the sequence where everyone is watching a video of a man who walks into a tiger cage and taunts the beast until it mauls him. To me, watching people watching a video on someone's phone is about as scary as seeing you're coworkers watching youtube videos of puppies at work.
The whole time I was watching this, I was thinking that none of these deaths are actually scary, just unsettling and not in a good way. If you were going to make a horror movie like The Birds or Invasion of the Body Snatchers, don't you think an epidemic of mass murder would make more sense? It would definitely raises the stakes. Characters would be forced to defend themselves rather than be airy, whimpering, passive, wussies.The threat would actually be a physical thing rather than just a looming conceptual one. Mass suicide for me just feels self-defeating, which is the nature of suicide I guess... and also in very poor taste...
Typically, all M. Night movies end with a twist. That's pretty much his signature, one that has gradually become a joke over time. And as Wahlberg stated, it's f*%$ing trees. Yep. Turns out the root of all the outbreaks are trees in the end... I mean, really? Trees?! Trees were the cause of all this mass hysteria? Trees?! Trees are your twist?! That's the best you could do, M. Night?! Trees?!
Another reason I picked this film is that it's got M. Night's worst twist of all his films. In a lot of cases, the twist is the only reason for watching. In this one, it's the most disappointing part. I probably would have been happier with absolutely nothing rather than f&@$ing trees. Sorry if this is a spoiler for some, but I might have just saved you the biggest disappointment of your film-viewing life.
For your viewing displeasure, Mark Wahlberg pulling an Emilio Estevez in Maximum Overdrive and talking to the tree in his office. If you wanna learn how to talk to trees, Mark, take lessons from Hugh Jackman.
