SHOOTING FROM THE HIP - "GOING GREEN"

SHOOTING FROM THE HIP - EPISODE 3

There are many ways to go green!

http://youtu.be/g_-70wZJYKA

SHOOTING FROM THE HIP: "THE HAMMERER"

SHOOTING FROM THE HIP - EPISODE 2

A famous scene from the low-budget, cult hit "The Hammerer."

http://youtu.be/zkEji6UCheU

Check out our first episode, "Smackin' Cheese!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkEji6UCheU

SHOOTING FROM THE HIP: "SMACKIN' CHEESE"

Hello, Internet

So I stopped posting blogs for a while. Reason being that I got tired of writing about movies as opposed to making them. So my absence has been so that I may return to production... Yeah, I know. No one cares...

The following video is a "making-of" for a cheese commercial that a friend and I embarked upon and will probably never see the light of day... but the outtakes are pretty funny. Check out the newly transformed Shooting From The Hip, now in video.

Enjoy. More to come.

BAD MOVIES THAT SHOULD BE SEEN (31 OF 100)

"Freaked" (1993), Dir: Tom Stern and Alex Winters

$12,000,000 in Budget vs. $29,296 in Gross

There was a time where the movie Freaked was a very hard to find. I had first seen it at a friend's house as a child. We rented it from a video store and had such a jolly good time watching it that the very next weekend we went to rent it again, only to find someone else had. From there, pretty much every time we went to the store to rent this stupid movie, it was gone, eventually leading us to believe it had been stolen. And yes, this was pretty much everyone's story of the movie Freaked back in the good old days of VHS. Finally, the good folks at Anchor bay found the movie and re-released it on DVD about 20 years after its horrid theatrical run to a late but moderate cult following.

Freaked is the brain-child of Alex Winter, better known as Bill from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure and one of those punks from Death Wish 3. Winter and the other creatures -- um, creators Tom Stern and Tim Burns had all been involved in the short-lived MTV sketch show "The Idiot Box." The movie was originally conceived as a low-budget horror flick featuring the band The Butthole Surfers, but was then re-imagined to star Winter in a much more surrealist comedy, sporting a brand of humor similar to Mad Magazine. When originally shown to test audiences, Freaked (at the time, entitled Hideous Mutant Freakz) rated very poorly. Deemed "too weird," its near non-existent theatrical run cost the studio greatly, losing Fox almost $12 million dollars in budget. Now that's a lot of potatoes!

As for the movie itself, we are introduced to sleazy former child-star Ricky Coogan, who has just recently had been summoned by the sleazy Everything Except Shoes Corporation. The head of E.E.S., Dick Brian (played by the great William Sadler) wants Ricky to be their spokesperson for their controversial fertilizer Zygrot 24, which has proved to be lethal by most countries of the world. They offer Ricky $5 million dollars to go to South America and get a first hand look at the chemicals' effects. Being the greedy person Ricky is, he accepts. On his way, Ricky brings his best friend Ernie (Michael Stoyanov or better known as "The Unfunny Brother" from Blossom) to the fictional country known as Santa Flan, where their destinies will change forever...

However, as soon as they arrive, they are stopped at the airport by a large group of protestors ready to pelt Ricky Coogan with cow sh%$. Led by a beautiful but self-righteous Julie (played by the 90s super babe Megan Ward), the activist manages to catch Ricky's eye, so Ricky pretends to be one of the protestors and manages to convince her to go for a drive. It doesn't take long before Julie discovers Ricky isn't who he says he is and is in fact the very person she came to pelt with sh@$. As they drive on to, um, somewhere, Julie notices an old billboard for a freak-show, insisting they go check it out. When the group arrives at what looks like a carnival wasteland, they meet Elijah C. Scuggs (Randy Quaid in his best role ever), the self-deemed "freak master." Suddenly Scuggs kidnaps the three, using some stolen barrels of Zygort 24 to transform them all into hideous mutant freaks. Former child-star Ricky Coogan now becomes the freak-show's lead attraction, The Beast Boy.

The most impressive thing about Freaked is its production value. A lot of money went into the effects and especially the make-up effects. The movie even hosts some of the first C.G. I recall seeing. Freaked also features some pretty bad actors in their best roles. Role call! First, we got Randy Quaid as Scuggs (who I have a feeling was the inspiration for Professor Scudworth in the short-lived Clone High), Mr. T as The Bearded Lady, Bobcat Goldthwait as Sockhead, Derek McGarth (the professor from My Secret Identity) as a giant worm, underrated actor John Hawkes (I never realized he was in this until I started researching this article) as a talking cow, and Keanu Reeves (or better known at the time as Ted) in an uncredited role as Ortiz The Dog Boy.

But describing the humor as being like Mad Magazine is pretty accurate. Sometimes Mad Magazine was spot on and other times, well, they were trying way too hard and unfortunately came up pretty dry. A lot of the jokes in Freaked fell upon it being a product of the 90s with references to The Blue Lagoon (technically an 80s reference, but a recurring 90s joke), Bob Vila, and Jake & The Fat Man (another 80s show, but 90s joke). Audiences of today would definitely not make a connection with these jokes and didn't really back then either. I guess that was the joke, but like Mad Magazine, very dry at times. Then again, some of the humor is actually quite genius in my opinion, like when all the freaks try to escape dressed as milkmen, or when we meet the pot-smoking Giant Rasta Eyeballs. There's also the lamenting hammer that used to be a wrench, and Stuey Gluck (played by Alex Zuckerman), the ugliest fan boy in the world. Definitely enough worth watching.

The most hilarious part of the whole movie, though, is William Sadler's delivery on one of the movie's best lines: "Gentlemen, might I add that all those who oppose us will stand knee-deep in the blood of their children." So good. Never gets old. Unfortunately for the movie itself, it kinda does. Probably one of the best looking comedies I have ever seen with some really great moments, but overall it's legend is more interesting than its execution. I would love to see another comedy of this magnitude some day, but with humor worth the $12 million spent.

And for your viewing displeasure, a clip that pretty gives you all the characters and gives you an idea of the overall tone of the film...

BAD MOVIES THAT SHOULD BE SEEN (30 OF 100)

"Boa vs. Python" (2004), Dir: David Flores

$1.2 Million in Budget vs. Direct to Video

The "Enlarged Animal Film" (I guess that's what we'll call it) has evolved into, well, quite a mess in the last decade or so. What started with the success of Jaws in the 70s, Roger Corman turned into an industry on its own. Shark films have become their own genre, followed by any other large animal that could eat humans. This is one of those others movies. Probably as other as it gets. I chose this film particularly because it melds two of those different genres together: Snake Films (an endless string of films that ripped off Anaconda) and the Versus Movies (which have been around since Godzilla's universe/franchise expanded). This particular movie combines two near-identical movies with near identical monsters to come together and brawl it out... Oh, boy. Hold onto your hats, folks!

The movie opens with a truck transporting what is presumably one of the giant snakes as it inter-cuts with a professional wrestling match, where some sleazy casino-owner named Broddrick is in attendance. He receives a phone call telling him "his package" is on the way. But shortly after making that call, the convoy stops. The package has woken and it's angry. The convoy readies the tranquilizer gun to put the big snake down, but the snake (Boa or Python?) gets loose, killing them all. As this carnage happens, the movie cuts back as Broddick watches as two Luchador wrestlers - one named Boa and the other named Python (wink, wink) - enter the arena. Now that, folks, is what I call symbolism!

Broddrick and his sexy girlfriend get on a plane and high-tail it out of there. The scene offers us some obligatory nudity while plot as well, but also features one of Broddick's pet snakes (a clearly rubber one) getting loose in the bathroom. This particular snake yelps like a puppy when picked up or tossed around.

Before Broddrick and his girlfriend indulge in high-altitude sin, Broddrick unravels his plot to organize a big-game hunting expedition for the wealthy and use the giant python as their target. Then, he conveniently turns on the TV and discovers through the news that his convoy carrying the giant snake has been destroyed, meaning the snake is loose. Looks like the hunt's on early.

Meanwhile, the FBI apparently saw Python, so are already aware of the giant snake. They recruit a Playboy Playmate named Jaime Bergman, who pretends to be a marine biologist. How do we know she's a marine biologist? Because the movie introduces her in the middle of a contest where she and some fat dude are trying to see who can hold their breath under water the longest. She flashe him a bewb (which we do not see, considering she's a f&$@ing playmate) and ends up winning the contest. Now that's science, baby!

Now, apparently the marine biologist (Monica) has developed camera headgear designed to track dolphins, however, turns out the headgear can also be applied to dry-land animals. Hm... So, pretty much she developed headgear that any animal can wear and be tracked with. What's to say only animals can use it? What about humans?

Hmm. So, really, she developed some headgear that a human or animal can wear and the FBI can track them with it... You'd think the FBI would already have something like that. But for some reason they need to go consult this ridiculously hot scientist, who is pretty much the worst casting choice for a scientist since Denise Richards in that James Bond movie. Poor girl. She is beautiful, yes, but can't act in the slightest. Even in her reaction shots, it just doesn't look like she is thinking about anything... at all.

Anyways, the FBI wants Monica's device so they can send dolphins after the giant snake. Just kidding. But really, their plan is only slightly less preposterous. The FBI man and Monica seek out Dr. Emmett (underrated Canadian actor David Hewlett of Treed Murray) who has raised a genetically-enhanced boa named Betty. The plan is to attach the headgear to Betty in hopes that Betty will find the other large snake and kill it. Impressed by Betty, the FBI Man (whoever he is) comments, "This is big and big is nice." You bet it is, FBI Man.

Meanwhile, Broddick forms a group of all American badass hunters to go after the giant snake. It's a motley crew of rejects from the Fast And Furious movies and the father-son team from Honey I Shrunk The Kids. Their story is boring and pointless. Meanwhile, as this is happening, Monica and Dr. Emmett need more convincing to work together in a scene that literally functions just to repeat the plot again, three times over in a row...

FBI MAN: "With your expertise, equipment, and boa, I think we can successfully locate and eliminate that python."

MONICA: "Using my implants, we can track the boa track the python and see every move she makes?" 

DR. EMMETT: "Let me get this straight. You want to attach that thing to my boa and use it to hunt down the python?"

Wow. Now that's some phenomenal dialogue! But where the f@$& are the snakes? Oh, wait. There's one. And it's on screen for, like, 40 seconds... Now, as most typically horror movies go, there's a Teen Sex/Impending Death scene. This time, it happens in the middle of a fellatio party with the guy being eaten, miraculously replaced by the giant python, and the girl simply not noticing. From there, they both get devoured... Yep. There's the snake... and they went there.

As far as the rest goes, the two teams of characters (the military and the hunters) demonstrate some utter incompetency in their fields, especially when coming together to kill the giant snakes and accidentally killing each other instead. But overall, neither team really poses much threat to either giant snake. They're more of just a nuance to us and we want giant snake. There is one scene where the snake the military is rooting for (Betty) ends up killing a lot of their own people, but it's only 30 seconds. I wanted the damn snake to kill all the characters so there would be more snake.

And then, when the two snakes finally encounter one another, you'd expect this fight to finally get going... But no, it doesn't. Upon discovering each other, the two snakes start having Giant C.G.I. Snake Sex... I mean, I suppose it's a pretty special moment for the two, realizing they're not the only giant C.G.I. snake in  the world. However, this is supposed to be a Versus Movie, so shouldn't we get to some goddamn snake-fighting already?! I mean, if this was Freddy vs. Jason and instead of fighting Freddy and Jason just started banging -- Aaahhhh! Dear God!

Like Hard Ticket to Hawaii, this movie contains a lot of myths about snakes one would think the filmmakers would want to avoid... but didn't. So here we go:

(1) When snakes eat people, they rip them limb from limb. Not true. They usually eat you whole. 
(2) Snakes never stop eating. Not true. If a snake managed to eat an entire human (or in this movie's case, several), it probably wouldn't need to eat again for a long, long time.
(3) Snakes can whip people with their tails. Not true.
(4) Snakes are bulletproof. Definitely not true. My girlfriend can attest to that. These snakes should've died.
(5) Snakes are inherently evil. True, but I've have been told by others that's it not true. Agree to disagree.

For a movie featuring two giant C.G.I. snakes, it seems they could only afford an accumulated 7 to 10 minutes of C.G.I. in the whole film. The rest is just people talking about the snakes, running around aimlessly, flaunting their bewbs (male and female), torching sh@$ with flame throwers, and blowing stuff up. What little snake the movie offers makes it kinda funny, but you still want more snake.

It's worth seeing probably because it's probably the best of the Enlarged C.G.I. Animal vs. Enlarged C.G.I. Animal films. I'm going to wager it has more Enlarged C.G.I. Animal in it than most of these films. It probably can sum up the whole market for you in one film. But give it ten years. This will be considered the Citizen Kane of Enlarged C.G.I. Animal films because they aren't getting any better. 

And for your viewing displeasure, the Teen Sex/Impending Death scene...

BAD MOVIES THAT SHOULD BE SEEN (28 OF 100)

"Gorgo" (1961), Dir: Eugene Lourie

$$$ Unknown in Budget vs. Unknown in Gross $$$

Studio's have been trying to make a successful western-version of Godzilla for decades. In the late 90s, they attempted this feat with that giant pile of dung Godzilla, where the trademark monster went to New York and looked nothing like it did before. In 2008, Cloverfield was made, featuring a lanky-armed beast that the studios hoped would've filled the big guy's shoes, but hasn't reared his ugly head since. And most recently, a trailer for the new Godzilla was just posted today. However, in this ongoing search for the next Godzilla, the Americans should have learned from the British who attempted it back in the 1960s. Their Godzilla was named Gorgo and he unfortunately fell under the radar in terms of classic movie monsters...

Most people have little patience for monster movies. They want monsters, destruction, and bad special effects, and if they don't get that, they lose interest. In the original Godzilla, the movie opens with what remains of Tokyo after Godzilla's warpath. We see the devastation and all the wounded people, as if a nuclear bomb just went off (wink, wink), so immediately we are interested in what's happening. In the only Gorgo, the movie starts with a thunder storm and a volcano eruption. Then, for the first ten minutes of the movie, it's mostly sailors investigating a small Irish village. Captain Joe Ryan (Bill Travers) takes an interest in the area after mounds of dead fish start appearing around the waters. Then the body of a diver appears, having died because of fright. Uh-oh! But then things still don't get started because they go talk to the villagers about it, who deny any knowledge of what is happening.

Gorgo's main problem is that its beginning is very, very boring. In keeping with the mindset of the monster movie audience, the first ten to fifteen minutes is so painfully slow that I am not surprised people stop watching before the monster even appears. (It's almost as bad as the first ten minutes of White Zombie.) When more divers go to check things out, they find the monster Gorgo at the bottom of the ocean, released by the volcanic eruption. When word gets out, poachers hunt the creature, only to get attacked by this miniature Godzilla with glowing red eyes and a nearly identical roar. That is when the movie gets started. From there, Gorgo attacks the village. But in retaliation, the villagers fight back throwing flaming torches to scare it off. Now, this was something that interested me. Never in monster movies has the monster ever really been afraid of something, as real animals would be. Godzilla never seemed afraid of anything. He was always kinda oblivious to the elements around him.

Captain Joe Ryan and his crew make a deal with the villagers, claiming that they can rid the village of the monster for a price. In their first attempt, they lower an officer in a steel pod to the sea's bottom. There, the pod finds Gorgo merrily swimming along the bottom. Gorgo sees the pod, grabs it, and nearly crushes it. I like this part too because no one ever got this close to Godzilla before, so it created some tension. Once the metal pod goads Gorgo to surface, the crew deploys the fishing nets, capturing the monster nearly as big as their own ship.

Borrowing from the plot of King Kong, Gorgo becomes the sensation of the European airwaves. There are scenes where they transport Gorgo in ships and with cranes, which are actually the best special effects in the movie. Not often do these movies show the monsters actually interacting with their environment as opposed to just destroying it. On top of this idea, the movie also calls into question things such as the logistics of capturing monster, transporting it, containing it, drugging it; whether it belongs in a lab, a zoo, its natural habitat; or whether the Irish own it because it came from their shores or the British own it because they captured it. So many ideas to be explored when most monster movies just dismiss them.

Possibly the best scene of the movie is when Gorgo is put in a giant pen and people gawk and scream at it. This movie actually gives the monster some personality, something for the audience to connect with. You feel sorry for Gorgo and despise the humans. Once Gorgo has officially become a side show attraction, its captors are summoned by the Ministry of Science to hear of a discovery that has been made. It turns out that their monster is not an adult monster but an infant, making its theoretical parent probably two-hundred feet tall and presumably looking for its lost child. Then, the very next scene, back in the Irish village, a much bigger, much angrier version of Gorgo (referred to as Orca) rises from the waters and vengefully destroys the village. Its next stop: London, England, and not for a spot of f%$@ing tea. 

Having re-watched this, I've realized it has more plot, ideas, and dramatic devices than any Godzilla movies ever did. Does this make it better? Hard to say, because I love that big lug. The sequences with Orca are pretty great, especially the one where they set fire to the whole harbor to scare the monster away, but just ends up pissing it off more. The climax of the movie is watching Orca destroy most of London, which I found more engaging than watching Godzilla destroying Tokyo because I was more familiar with the British landmarks. Seeing Orca demolish a clearly hollow Big Ben (clocks don't have insides, right?) was definitely a high-point. Despite a boring opening and a kinda cheesy ending, I'd call this movie The Thinking Man's Godzilla. Its main problem: thinking is not why you typically watch these movies.

For your viewing displeasure, a short documentary on the making of Gorgo...

BAD MOVIES THAT SHOULD BE SEEN (25 OF 100)

"Footloose" (1984), Dir: Herbert Ross

$8.2 million in Budget vs. $80,035,402 in Gross

Footloose is the quintessential bad movie, from plot, to story, to acting, and even to the culture status it somehow achieved. Who would have thought a little movie about the town that wouldn't allow dancing would become a joke that seemingly never gets old?

From its very literal opening, Footloose is simply laughable. The classic "Footloose" tune by Kenny Loggins starts playing to a montage of different feet dancing around while the credits roll... But really, with the title is Footloose, how literal does one have to be? Did the creative team sit around the boardroom table and agree "This movie needs to open with a bunch of feet dancing." The assumption must have been that we would see the images of the feet, hear the lyrics to the song, and magically put two and two together: "Hey! This movie's about dancing!" It's reassuring to know the good people at Paramount have that much faith in the audience's ability to interpret cinematic language... But opening with feet? If there's anything that looks worse than feet on camera, it's noses, so at least they didn't start the movie with 2 minutes and 20 seconds of noses... Ugh.

Kevin Bacon plays Ren McCormack, a teenager raised in Chicago. He's moved to a small conservative town to live with his aunt and uncle, only to realize that the one thing he loves most in the world - dancing to rock music - has been outlawed. Now, I'm not sure how the legal system in the fictional town of Beaumont works, but this always seemed a little strange to me. Yes, it's just a movie and set in a very oppressed town, but what appointed judge is really going to agree to outlaw dancing? "Your honor, the accused is charged with... dancing alone in his apartment." And, for that matter, would he actually send someone to jail for dancing? "What're you in for?" Dancing. "Hmm... See you in the shower, boy."

A fish out of water, Kevin Bacon befriends a local boy named Willard, portrayed by the late Chris Penn, who shows him around. The Baconator then meets a local religious girl named Ariel, who happens to be daughter to Reverend Shaw Moore (played by the brilliant John Lithgow) who put the ban on dancing in the first place. Now, let's get something straight: John Lithgow is fantastic in almost everything he does. In Footloose, he plays the crotchety old reverend as he should be played (and for a paycheck). However, Lithgow as an individual also has a great sense of humor. Ten years later, his character Dick Solomon unwittingly mocked The Reverend's speech from Footloose condemning rock music in 3rd Rock From The Sun. Anyone who can take their own career and parody it (that isn't Kevin Smith) deserves my respect.

That said, the biggest question that Footloose poses: Why Kevin Bacon? It's probably the role he is most recognized for, but seems completely out of place. When I was in high school, our English Media Teacher (an idiot) made us do a comparison between Footloose and Rebel Without a Cause, suggesting Kevin Bacon's character to be the modern James Dean... Now, even if this was even close to being true, does Kevin Bacon strike you as the handsome lead? I've never heard a female ever admit to be attracted to Kevin Bacon in my life and the first who does is very brave for doing so. Secondly, does Kevin Bacon strike you as a rebel? Prior to this film, the only basis of comparison would be 1982's Diner, where his character was a sh@#-disturber but not really a rebel. Thirdly, does Kevin Bacon strike you as a dancing machine? I had no idea punch-dancing was so big in Chicago. Even in the movie's most famous sequence where Bacon dances his anger away, Bacon admitted (in reality) to having two dance-doubles, a stunt-double, and a gymnastics-double, so Bacon didn't actually do any of the movie's dancing... he's just the face of it... and not exactly the prettiest either.

Finally, the silliest sequence and a direct reference to Rebel Without a Cause comes in the form of a chicken run with tractors. Comparing this (as I was forced to) with the chicken run scene in Rebel Without a Cause, the two are very similar, yes, except that a tractor is not a car. And since this race isn't toward the end of a cliff like in Rebel and instead towards each other, there isn't as much stakes. I suspect that's why they have the track "I Need a Hero" by Bonnie Tyler playing in the background the whole time, to add a little excitement to an utterly plodding chase sequence... and even then, it just looks more ridiculous than anything.

Not to be misinterpreted, these are all reasons you should see Footloose. The Baconator has gone on to be a respectable actor in my opinion, but his humble beginnings with Footloose shall remain his humble beginnings. He can laugh at it, so we should as well.

And for your viewing displeasure, Footloose's cringe-worthy climax.

 

BAD MOVIES THAT SHOULD BE SEEN (24 OF 100)

"The Happening" (2008), Dir: M. Night Shyamalan

$48,000,000 in Budget vs. $64,505,912 in Gross

You could say that most of M. Night Shyamalan's movies should be on this list. Signs had the worst acting and possibly the worst climax I've ever seen. The Last Airbender was just a monumental joke. However, I choose The Happening based on it being M. Night's supposed "comeback movie" and then sucking 100% ass in almost every regard. It sums up pretty much the constant disappointment that has become his career.

 
M. Night started out with a lot of promise. The Sixth Sense was pretty much M. Night's retelling of The Shining, but without the hotel. It had a twist that shocked the world unless you're Director Doug Brown, who had no idea until 2002 that Bruce Willis' character was a ghost. He just thought he was cold all the time. But I don't know if M. Night can really be credited with the success of The Sixth Sense. The cast was utterly superb. You had Bruce Willis in his only performance where he didn't use a gun; Haley Joel Osment earning that Oscar nod; and Donnie Wahlberg, who gets very little credit for his terrifying performance as an escaped lunatic. But movie after movie, M. Night's films went from hokey to bad, to absolutely horrible. Twelve years later, his name has become synonymous with several of the worst movies ever made. Yet, for some reason, he keeps getting budgets of $130,000,000 when filmmakers like me can't even get a f$%@ing handshake.

 
The Happening stars Mark Wahlberg as Elliot Moore, a high school teacher caught up (somehow) in a strange epidemic. For some reason, mass groups of people are committing suicide without reason or rational explanation. Not knowing how to handle this, the characters flea the city in a vain attempt to get away from... whatever this is. Shyamalan described his idea as being in the same vein as "The Birds and Invasion of the Body Snatchers." Incorrect statement, sir. Those are actually good films. This is most definitely not. Even its star, Wahlberg himself claimed, "It was a really bad movie... F%$@ it. It is what it is. F&%$ing trees, man. The plants. F@#$ it. You can’t blame me for not wanting to try to play a science teacher. At least I wasn’t playing a cop or a crook." Well, there you have it, folks. Don't ever accuse Marky Mark of not standing by his director. But that being said, f%$@ing trees is right and we'll get back to that...

My biggest problem with The Happening is that a movie about mass suicide is a cheap shot in my mind. Suicide is something that generally rubs everybody wrong (I would hope). Exposing us to an hour and a half of it is kind of tasteless. It does lead to a handful of interesting sequences: There's the opening where construction workers throw themselves off a building, which is a pretty stark image. One sequence follows a gun that multiple people shoot themselves with. Kinda creative. But then there's the sequence where everyone is watching a video of a man who walks into a tiger cage and taunts the beast until it mauls him. To me, watching people watching a video on someone's phone is about as scary as seeing you're coworkers watching youtube videos of puppies at work.

The whole time I was watching this, I was thinking that none of these deaths are actually scary, just unsettling and not in a good way. If you were going to make a horror movie like The Birds or Invasion of the Body Snatchers, don't you think an epidemic of mass murder would make more sense? It would definitely raises the stakes. Characters would be forced to defend themselves rather than be airy, whimpering, passive, wussies. The threat would actually be a physical thing rather than just a looming conceptual one. Mass suicide for me just feels self-defeating, which is the nature of suicide I guess... and also in very poor taste... 

Typically, all M. Night movies end with a twist. That's pretty much his signature, one that has gradually become a joke over time. And as Wahlberg stated, it's f*%$ing trees. Yep. Turns out the root of all the outbreaks are trees in the end... I mean, really? Trees?! Trees were the cause of all this mass hysteria? Trees?! Trees are your twist?! That's the best you could do, M. Night?! Trees?!

Another reason I picked this film is that it's got M. Night's worst twist of all his films. In a lot of cases, the twist is the only reason for watching. In this one, it's the most disappointing part. I probably would have been happier with absolutely nothing rather than f&@$ing trees. Sorry if this is a spoiler for some, but I might have just saved you the biggest disappointment of your film-viewing life. 

For your viewing displeasure, Mark Wahlberg pulling an Emilio Estevez in Maximum Overdrive and talking to the tree in his office. If you wanna learn how to talk to trees, Mark, take lessons from Hugh Jackman.

BAD MOVIES THAT SHOULD BE SEEN (23 OF 100)

"Gymkata" (1985), Dir: Robert Clouse

$8.5 Million in Budget vs. $5,730,596 in Gross

The title alone gives you a pretty good idea what Gymkata is about. I rented it having seen it reviewed by Red Letter Media and was wondering how a ninja/gymnast movie would hold up. I was pleasantly surprised with most of it, and absolutely terrified with some. That's right. I said terrified. All in all, most of what Gymkata offered were a lot of surprises I did not expect, making it a very worthwhile bad movie.

The plot is surprisingly complicated. While watching Gymkata, I almost found it almost impossible to know what was happening. I knew there was a deadly game involved, but wasn't sure why the main character Jonathan Cabot (Kurt Thomas) had any interested. Turns out Johnathon Cabot is a gymnastics champ whose father at one time took part in this deadly game and lost, losing his life as well. The game itself is an endurance test held in a fictional country called Parmistan (which will come up again later), where the contestants avoid obstacles and run from Parmistanian warriors bent on killing them. If a contestant wins, he is granted one wish of his choosing.

So early in the movie, our hero Johnathon is approached by the SIA (Special Intelligence Agency) about entering the tournament so that if he wins, they can use his one wish to set up a satellite monitoring station for the Star Wars Program... Yep. That is what they want to do with his only wish. What assholes. Also, this is also the only non-animated movie I've ever seen where wishes are actually part of the plot-line. But Johnathon also has his own reasons for entering the tournament. If Johnathon wins the game, he will be honoring his father and accomplishing what he could not... Wow. So yes, a lot going on, but is anyone really watching it for the plot? No. So let's see some more Gymkata.

The star Kurt Thomas was an actual Olympic Gymnastics winner. So for an unassuming, nimble little white-boy, he's got some sweet moves and manages to execute them with noticably more grace than JCVD (which takes a bit of the grit out of it). The action sequences in the movie, though low-budget, are competently made. You watch them, ooh'ing and ah'ing as Kurt Thomas gracefully kicks some ass. Is Kurt convincing in that sense? Very much so. Is he an action star? No. No, not at all. It's hard to take an action hero series who oddly looks a lot like Wayne Gretzky and dresses like... well, like a dork. I mean seriously, would you be able to take JCVD seriously if he wore a Christmas sweater? So agility is no question. Kurt does a good job kicking ass, especially in the scene where he fights an entire village using only a pummel horse... But as far as be imtidating, well...

Kurt's presence aside, the location of the movie was the most off-putting thing about it. Fictional countries seem to only work in Perfect Strangers or children's cartoons. I refer you to Genosha in X-Men. But when you create one for a movie, you're fall subject to some problems, such as race, ethnicity, culture, etc. Little things. And yet, when you create a country that doesn't have any of those (minus barbaric gaming), you get the great Parmistan, a country named after a cheese-topping, populated by lazy-eyed extras, and decorated with a mix of Russian, Amish, Islamic, Scottish, and Asian stereotypes. It's pretty much a case of "The East" for those of you not familiar with Orientalism. Simply put: in North America's eyes, whatever isn't the west is the east. (Better examples of this can be found in the Italian Sword & Sandal Films, more specifically involving the dance sequences.)

Another strange aspect of the setting is that the characters need to make it through "The Village of the Crazies," a village populated with deadly lunatics. It's a fifteen minute sequence near the end of the film and is as strange and terrifying as anything David Lynch has ever made. John is forced to do battle with maniac after maniac, each with their own brand of psychotic. I guess mental health is a bit of a grey area in the Parmistanian government. The Village of the Crazies might not be a sequence many will enjoy, but I thought it gave the movie a bit of edge from being just another generically bad action film.

 

Gymkata is a lot of fun and worth seeing for some decent action and a good string of laughs.

For your viewing displeasure, the "Village of The Crazies" sequence in full.