GHOST MEAT: THE RANCID EDITION

 

So I pulled a George Lucas and recut an old short that needed some love. This is probably the grossest video I've ever made. Enjoy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DNZKsQTSdk

SHOOTING FROM THE HIP: "THE HAMMERER"

SHOOTING FROM THE HIP - EPISODE 2

A famous scene from the low-budget, cult hit "The Hammerer."

http://youtu.be/zkEji6UCheU

Check out our first episode, "Smackin' Cheese!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zkEji6UCheU

BAD MOVIES THAT SHOULD BE SEEN (16 OF 100)

"Nemisis" (1992), Dir: Albert Ryun

 

Unknown in Budget vs. $2,001,124 in Gross

Sometimes, it's great to be a man. When I first saw the movie Nemesis, I realized that this movie pretty much had everything: action, robots, bewbs, explosions, robots fighting other robots. What more could a horny, raging, adolescent teenager ask for? Well, maybe a touch of story for one... a little less narration telling us the character's inner-feelings... some acting not so bad that literally every line had to be dubbed... a better ending maybe (that isn't exactly like the first Terminator), or even a satisfying one? Yes, these are the things the movie lacks and makes it arguably bad, but for what it offers in terms of overwhelming, action extravaganzas, one has to sacrifice any expectations of intellectual satisfaction to enjoy this film.

Rising from the ashes of the legendary Cannon Group and coming off Cyborg, a very similar film, Albert Pyun's movie opens with our main character Alex bringing back a hooker to his hotel room. The hooker insists on checking him to make sure he's not an undercover. Well, turns out Alex is, popping her one in the face -- BOOM! -- and thus revealing that she is actually a cyborg posing as a woman (awkward!). She then says to Alex, "Goddamn cop!" and Alex rebutts "Goddamn terrorist," quickly finishing her off -- BOOM! And that's how the movie begins. Yes, indeed, the perfect man-movie.

Picking up from that sequence, the title character Alex (Olivier Gruner, the poor man's JCVD) runs from a group of terrorists dressed like 1980s Havana vacationers into probably the most excessive, outlandish action sequence I can recall. The terrorists and Alex exchange endless rounds (which a co-worker pointed out to me that their guns never recoil) and then up the anti with explosives, causing probably more explosions in the first 10 minutes than T2 had entirely (I counted 16 at least). But for all it's awesomeness, I think there's been only six lines of dialogue spoken at this point, or even less, so there's not much story to follow...

I can't really tell you what the story to Nemesis is because it's very confusing. Alex is partly machine, but seems to have come to terms with the fact; so you can't really say it's about man vs. machine, or even a man vs. himself because being part machine is what gives Alex the ability to fight the other cyborgs, and fighting cyborgs is what makes his character so f*&%ing awesome, so we just whatever is thrown at us.

Back to story: So after surviving his battle with the Havana terrorists, Alex goes forth to hunt down the only survivor on their side and guns her down months later... Well, there's another plot-line out the window. What now? Well, what happens next is he quits the LAPD to become a freelance trigger-man, but the LAPD wants him for one last mission: to find and kill a terrorist named Jared. Later, we discover that Jared is actually a woman, and not only a woman, but already dead... except that her memory core survived somehow, so to keep those memories safe, they must be implanted into Alex's cybernetic eye...

 
Okay. Yeah. You know what. Even trying to type out this plot-line confuses me, and it doesn't stop there. If you haven't figured it out yet, the story is not the point. Similarly to other over-stylish 90s action-films, like The Replacement Killers or anything by John Woo, Nemesis' story means nothing. Now, that brand of thinking sounds kinda bad and, yes, the rejection of any form of intellectual stimulation is probably why most modern movies just plain suck ass these days; but in the case of this low-budget, low-brow Terminator knock-off, what really are one's expectations? Simple: action, style, soundtrack, and Mira Sorvino with her bewbs hanging out the whole movie. Shameless, yes, but this is why you watch these movies, to satisfy the simpleton in you, to give a high-five to that former teenager who just wants pure excess and wants it right now.

Unfortunately, that means that most men will probably watch this film alone. Women will have no interest, guaranteed, and especially after the tasteless nude scenes with former USA Beauty Queen Deborah Shelton and Fitl On Film's blog favorite -- you guessed it -- Tom Jane, and not Coolio. So for all the guys, go grab yourself a six pack, go to your local video store (or youtube), get some chips, and let Nemesis just take over your mind.   

And for your mindless viewing pleasure, an opening scene that I don't think any man can say no to... minus the hack voice-over narration...

BAD MOVIES THAT SHOULD BE SEEN (13 OF 100)

"Orgy of the Dead" (1959), Dir: Stephen C. Apostolof
 

$$ Unknown Budget vs. Non-Existent Gross $$

Regardless that the credits claim this movie was directed by Stephen C. Apostolof, a veteran in the exploitation realm, this film through-and-through belongs to Mr. Edward Wood Jr. Most cinephile's familiarity with Mr. Ed Wood extends as far as Plan 9 From Outer Space or the Tim Burton biopic film, typically claiming him to be the worst director ever. (Clearly, these people have never seen a Michael Bay film.) But Ed Wood gets a bad rap in my opinion. Plan 9 is not nearly as bad as people say. Glen Or Glenda is not that bad either. If David Lynch made a feature in 1953, it would probably look a lot like Glen Or Glenda. But 1959's Orgy of the Dead is a bad movie, but as the headline of these articles states, worth seeing at least.

Opening with your typical Ed Wood introduction, Criswell (an Ed Wood regular) seems pretty drunk as he describes the limbo the film takes place in, slurring his nonsensical monologue. From there, the film follows a husband named Bob (played by Williams Gates, who only ever appeared in two films and looks a lot like Rock Hudson) and his wife Shirley (played by Pat Barrington, no stranger to the horror-smut realm). The married couple survive a car crash only to end up in a strange cemetery somewhere between the realm of the living and the land of the dead. At this place, they meet Criswell, known to his awkwardly comedic minions as The Emperor of the Night, who calls upon the spirits of the dead for "the orgy."

And that's the entire plot. Fawn Silver fills in for Ed Wood regular Vampira, but really nothing much happens outside of that. To save you some disappointment from the film's misleading title, there isn't an orgy. Aside some nudity, probably the most naughty thing that happens in the film is Fawn Silver unbuttoning Shirley's shirt as knife-point (with the fakest knife ever) and then buttoning it back up (oh la la). The rest is pretty much just a series of topless go-go dancers, who all perform the exact same dance for the Emperor, to music that isn't very cryptic or even sexy for that matter. As the happy couple are forced to watch the most boring orgy in the history of the act, a mummy and a wolfman provide laughs (I guess) for dialogue-interludes between dances. One of these interludes results in the greatest movie lines of all time: "Torture! Torture! It pleasures me!" Other than that, nudity is the only thing this movie has going for it and I own dirtier Sears catalogues than this.

It's a good movie to have on at a party, where no one is paying much attention to it, and everyone is extremely drunk. For those few moments you do turn your attention back to the screen, it'll be worth the laugh or two if you can even find it. Happy hunting. No trailer for this film was available, so here is the infamous drunken monologue by Criswell.

And for your viewing displeasure, pretty much anything else that happens in Orgy of the Dead that isn't some mindless go-go ghoul doing the same dance the last girl did. Watch for the great one-liner "Torture! Torture!"

BAD MOVIES THAT SHOULD BE SEEN (10 OF 100)

 

"Hard Ticket to Hawaii" (1987), Dir: Andy Sidaris
 

Unknown Budget vs. Non-Existent Gross

There are bad movies that make you cringe and then there's the ones that make you rejoice. Watching Hard Ticket to Hawaii, I wonder three things: (1) How did I ever live before seeing this wonderfully horrible film? (2) Why hasn't somebody like Quentin Tarantino tried to remake or capitalize off this gem? (3) I'd better keep my mouth shut so it stays just the way it is. I don't think I could live if someone ever modernized this amazing theme song.

 
Starring a cast of near-porn stars and a giant snake-puppet, the film follows two secret operatives on the down-low. Played by two former playboy playmates -- Hope Marie Carlton in 1985 and Dona Speir in 1984 -- the two are stationed in Hawaii, pretending to be two unassuming female cops, who never wear bras and always manage to find an excuse to be topless. The plot (to my surprise) takes off when the girls are hired to deliver a large venomous snake to the island (for reasons unknown), as well as a married couple on their honeymoon (inevitably snake-lunch). Now I usually avoid movies with snakes of any kind because of a crippling phobia, but this movie is so much fun and the giant snake is so bad-looking, it's, well, just plain unavoidable (kinda like watching Snakes on a Plane and all its stupid C.G.I. snakes).

 
After delivering their cargo, the two girls accidentally stumble upon a secret diamond-exchange, orchestrated by a powerful crime-lord named Mr. Chang. The delivery was meant for one of the island's most vicious criminals named Seth Romero, but after a series of struggles, ends up in the ladies' possession and their non-human cargo is accidentally released.

Amongst many superb qualities, the main villain Seth Romero is one of the film's highlights, probably suffering about as much physical punishment and agony as Jason Voorhees would by the end of a Friday The 13th film In the course of these ludicrous events, Seth gets shot in the face, stabbed with a harpoon gun, falls onto a switch-blade, gets bit by the giant snake on his face (which makes him unknowingly contract snake-cancer... yep), and so on. (There's even a sequence that deliberately rips off Halloween with Seth in the Michael Myers role, only to get punctured like Michael did, suggesting that Seth is... a ghost??? I dunno.) By the end of it all, you just want someone to put the poor guy out of his misery before he does any further damage to himself.

It's actually shocking how enjoyable this film is. Does anyone remember in Boogie Nights how Burt Reynold's character says that he's always wanted to make a real movie, yet still starring porn actors? This is what I picture that movie being. There isn't much I can say without giving away all the best parts, so we'll just sum up the reasons to see it: (1) Boobs, boobs, and bewbs, (2) budgeted yet ridiculous action sequences, (3) porn stars trying to be action stars, and (4) a giant Jim Henson-esque snake that steals the show. Watch this gem movie in all its terrible glory.

Now that's a trailer. And if my review hasn't sold you on this one, perhaps this clip will. For your viewing displeasure, our friend Seth getting further mangled and the famous cancer-snake's greatest scene!