GHOST MEAT: THE RANCID EDITION

 

So I pulled a George Lucas and recut an old short that needed some love. This is probably the grossest video I've ever made. Enjoy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DNZKsQTSdk

BAD MOVIES THAT SHOULD BE SEEN (11 OF 100)

 

"Dracula 3000" (2004), Dir: Darrell Roodt
 

Nothing in Budget vs. Direct to Video

Back in my Blockbuster Video days, I was stuck working the Thanksgiving Day shift and going home to nobody. At the time, a co-worker of mine was from Sri Lanka and in the same boat, so rather than both spending our night by our lonesome, we decided to join forces and watch an array of bad movies instead. Of our three picks, each will be reviewed in this blog. There was Boa vs. Python, Waterworld, and the king of stink, Dracula 3000...

Oh, Dracula 3000. Completely unrelated to Dracula 2000, which has Star Trek Voyager's very own 7 of 9 getting staked in the boobs, Dracula 3000 is about a team of space aboard a craft called Mother III (Alien rip-off #1), a salvage ship that finds a derelict craft called Demeter. The crew of this ship is led by Captain van Helsing... Yeah, that's his name. Clever, huh? And better yet, played by Starship Trooper's own Aryan-bred Casper Van Dien. The film also stars Baywatch's Erika Eleniak (the not-so-hot one), Tom "Tiny" Lister (the president in The Fifth Element), and former rap sensation Coolio in a performance let's hope he's terribly ashamed of. We'll get back to that later.

So the crew finds the dead captain of the Demeter clutching a crucifix. During this discovery, their own ship Mother III decides to take matters into her own hands (Alien rip-off #2) and abandons the crew on the Demeter... without any explanation. It isn't long before Tiny and Coolio discover a cargo bay full of coffins. Thinking the coffins might have been used to smuggle drugs, Coolio opens one and is attacked by a vampire. Now under Count Orlock's control, an army of vampires intend to force the crew to bring the Demeter back to earth (Alien rip-off #3), and release a blood-sucking, vampire clusterf*&% (as if the earth's population couldn't possibly fight off 20 to 40 vampires).

Now, for all its terrible plottery, terrible actors, and a set that looks like the back of a grocery store (but turns out was a re-used set from the short-lived series Space Rangers), the biggest flaw of the film is Coolio. In mentioning my co-worker from Blockbuster at the beginning of this review, I wasn't just trying to highlight that I once had a friend, and that friend was a black-friend too, and a woman for that matter, but that her reaction to Coolio's performance was what put Dracula 3000 on this very list.

If you were around in the 1990s, you remember Coolio's 1995 hit song "Gangster's Paradise." For this socially-conscious tune, Coolio received the reputation of being a street philosopher and a positive role model for black youths. Flash-forward ten years to Dracula 3000 and Coolio is playing a pot-smoking cargo specialist named 187... Yep. 187. His interests are getting high and sexually harassing Erika Eleniak. When finding the corpse of the Demeter's dead captain, Coolio insists they search it for drugs. When Coolio turns into a vampire, instead of killing Erika, he goes on a rant describing in great detail how much he fantasized about, well, you might as well just watch the clip... And unfortunately, I cannot find the clip where Coolio chases Erika around the produce department -- I mean, ship, trying to run along the walls after her. Now, typically, when attempting something like that, a film production would employ special effects. But since this particular production didn't have any money, instead, what we get is Coolio trying to run along the walls himself, and for some reason making offensive monkey noises, leading to a speech where he actually refers to himself using the N-bomb. At that point, my co-worker screamed, "Holy sh*%! Coolio just sold-out his entire race!" And for the guy who used to speak out against negative black stereotypes, to do a complete 180 for Dracula F*&%ing 3000, I would agree.

As for the rest of the movie, once Dracula (or Count Orlock) actually enters, that's when everything just starts raising too many questions: Why was a cargo ship transporting coffins into space? If it's the year 3000, why is Dracula still dressed so Elizabethean? Did the vampires at some point learn how to navigate an interstellar spaceship? And if they did, why then do they need Capser, Tiny, or Coolio to do anything? Unfortunately, the only reason one really has to watch this film is if you wanna see Coolio make a fool of himself, and he does, dearly.

For your viewing displeasure, the title character Dracula gets one of his only scenes in the whole damn movie. Poor guy.

BAD MOVIES THAT SHOULD BE SEEN (10 OF 100)

 

"Hard Ticket to Hawaii" (1987), Dir: Andy Sidaris
 

Unknown Budget vs. Non-Existent Gross

There are bad movies that make you cringe and then there's the ones that make you rejoice. Watching Hard Ticket to Hawaii, I wonder three things: (1) How did I ever live before seeing this wonderfully horrible film? (2) Why hasn't somebody like Quentin Tarantino tried to remake or capitalize off this gem? (3) I'd better keep my mouth shut so it stays just the way it is. I don't think I could live if someone ever modernized this amazing theme song.

 
Starring a cast of near-porn stars and a giant snake-puppet, the film follows two secret operatives on the down-low. Played by two former playboy playmates -- Hope Marie Carlton in 1985 and Dona Speir in 1984 -- the two are stationed in Hawaii, pretending to be two unassuming female cops, who never wear bras and always manage to find an excuse to be topless. The plot (to my surprise) takes off when the girls are hired to deliver a large venomous snake to the island (for reasons unknown), as well as a married couple on their honeymoon (inevitably snake-lunch). Now I usually avoid movies with snakes of any kind because of a crippling phobia, but this movie is so much fun and the giant snake is so bad-looking, it's, well, just plain unavoidable (kinda like watching Snakes on a Plane and all its stupid C.G.I. snakes).

 
After delivering their cargo, the two girls accidentally stumble upon a secret diamond-exchange, orchestrated by a powerful crime-lord named Mr. Chang. The delivery was meant for one of the island's most vicious criminals named Seth Romero, but after a series of struggles, ends up in the ladies' possession and their non-human cargo is accidentally released.

Amongst many superb qualities, the main villain Seth Romero is one of the film's highlights, probably suffering about as much physical punishment and agony as Jason Voorhees would by the end of a Friday The 13th film In the course of these ludicrous events, Seth gets shot in the face, stabbed with a harpoon gun, falls onto a switch-blade, gets bit by the giant snake on his face (which makes him unknowingly contract snake-cancer... yep), and so on. (There's even a sequence that deliberately rips off Halloween with Seth in the Michael Myers role, only to get punctured like Michael did, suggesting that Seth is... a ghost??? I dunno.) By the end of it all, you just want someone to put the poor guy out of his misery before he does any further damage to himself.

It's actually shocking how enjoyable this film is. Does anyone remember in Boogie Nights how Burt Reynold's character says that he's always wanted to make a real movie, yet still starring porn actors? This is what I picture that movie being. There isn't much I can say without giving away all the best parts, so we'll just sum up the reasons to see it: (1) Boobs, boobs, and bewbs, (2) budgeted yet ridiculous action sequences, (3) porn stars trying to be action stars, and (4) a giant Jim Henson-esque snake that steals the show. Watch this gem movie in all its terrible glory.

Now that's a trailer. And if my review hasn't sold you on this one, perhaps this clip will. For your viewing displeasure, our friend Seth getting further mangled and the famous cancer-snake's greatest scene!

BAD MOVIES THAT SHOULD BE SEEN (8 OF 100)

 

"Death Wish 3" (1985), Dir: Michael Winner

$9 Million in Budget vs. $16,116,878 in Gross

A milestone of the legendary Cannon Group, I remember reading an article on Death Wish 3 in university once, to my surprise, shortly after seeing on television. I never really considered Charlie B. the subject of academia before. I don't remember the said article's title, but the subheading was "Whitey's Comin' To Get Ya." It discussed the Death Wish films as archetypal examples of the 80s conservative backlash. I read it, having only seen one of the Death Wish films, and wondered to myself how anyone got that from a film that features Alex Winter (Bill from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure) as one of the main villain's lackeys.

In his prime, I'm sure Charles Bronson was one scary mother. But by the third Death Wish movie, he just looked... well, tired, like he needed a nap... maybe a drink as well. His presence in this film was far less action hero and far more melting candle. (There was a little more spark in his return-performance in Death Wish 4. In that film, there's a scene where he plants a bomb in a fish dinner.) This addition to the depraved adventures of Paul Kersey has Paul visiting an old war buddy in a crime-ridden neighborhood, only to find his friend murdered and the local police pinning the crime on him... 

But knowing that Paul is a vigilante, the police captain (Ed Lauter, who always played the police captain) releases Paul in hopes that he will murder the bad guys and save his officers from actually enforcing the law. From there, the movie goes back and forth between Bronson killing crazy punks with clever booby-traps (pre-Home Alone and much more funny) to just straight-up shooting them. Eventually, the punks push back, going after Broson's retired senior citizen friends. Not satisfied, they murder Bronson's sorta love interest (Deborah Raffin at her most redwood) and just after the two have just finished a nice chicken dinner. Bronson's reaction to this is very much a "Well, sh&*%."

This slowly leads to one of the greatest cinematic battles (pre-Braveheart). The Elderly vs. The Young Punks. Grandmas and grandpas alike breaking out their old rusty guns (some of them being what I assume is an M2 Browning Machine Gun) and murdering punks in masses. There is one particular scene where the old people trick some of the punks with a booby-trap, making them trip over a chain, and then shooting them to death while they're in the street and can't get up... It's amazing. See the whole thing here.

But the fact remains that Charles Bronson seems half-asleep during the whole film, making even scenes where he's kicking ass and taking numbers play out like he were Grandpa Simpson (and not Hell-Fish Bonanza Grandpa Simpson either). Watch for the comedy because there's plenty of that.

For your viewing displeasure, Charles Bronson buying a ice cream bar and then murdering somebody, and giving the neighborhood a new-found sense of hope.

BAD MOVIES THAT SHOULD BE SEEN (5 OF 100)

 

"The Room" (2003), Dir: Tommy Wiseau

$6 Million in Budget vs. $1,800 in Gross

Inspired by the dramas of Tennessee Williams, watching Tommy Wiseau's The Room, one feels a lot like Stella in A Street Car Named Desire... And by that, I mean brutally getting the crap kicked out of you by Stanley... Oh, man, where to begin? We could talk about Wiseau himself, and what the hell is up with that guy? Namely, his weird, unhealthy-looking body that you unfortunately have to see naked several times throughout the movie. (In my own cowardliness, I made excuses to duck-out during those parts.) We could go on for days about his poor decisions as a movie director, such as shooting the film in both 35mm and video at the same time and then cutting the two together later. (The cost of film vs. video never really entered his mind apparently with the film's $6 million dollar budget.) With that kind of brand of thinking, I suppose it makes perfect sense why his script makes absolutely no sense at all. Characters flip-flop at the drop of a coin, no one is quite sure of their motives for anything, and everyone says "hi" whenever a character enters the room. But when it comes down to it in the end, it just seems to me that Wiseau's whole reasoning for making "The Room" was to put himself in gross sex scenes with poor Juliette Danielle and subject his audience to really awful R&B. Yes, these are all signs of a horrible filmmaker (and person I might add), but the thing that gets me the most is why Wiseau would want to have rooftop scenes in a movie and not use a real San Francisco rooftop. Instead, the roof is obviously a green-screened cityscape and badly at that. Why not just film on a real rooftop, goddamn it?! Why?! See if you like bad movies, but avoid if you like sex.



For your viewing displeasure, The Flower Shop scene, which I would argue is probably the stupidest and most senseless twenty seconds of cinema ever. I showed it to a co-worker and his reaction was "It's like watching a Commodore 64 programmed to make a movie scene, or interpret the most fleeing of human interaction."

BAD MOVIES THAT SHOULD BE SEEN (1 OF 100)

 

"Nothing But Trouble" (1991), Dir: Dan Aykroyd

$40 Million in Budget vs. $8 Million in Gross

In 1988, Tim Burton made Beetle Juice. In 1989, Ted Kotcheff made Weekend at Bernie's. And by 1991, these types of comedies were proving to fair pretty well at the box office. So Dan Aykroyd (the man behind the semingly successful genre ala Ghostbusters in 1983) decided to direct for the first time in his career. This film would be Nothing But Trouble and would also mark the end of Aykroyd's directing career, not to mention when it became clear to the public he had a screw loose. It stars Chevy Chase (when people still liked him), Demi Moore (pre-Aston Kutcher), John Candy (we forgive you), Tupac Shakur (in his first movie role), and Aykroyd as a psychotic judge holding a group of socialites hostage in his demented fun house of justice. When people look back on Aykroyd's career, I have a feeling they will mark this as when he first lost his mind.



For your viewing displeasure, the infamous "baby scene" with Dan and his brother, not to mention John Candy in drag and Demi Moore dressed like she's in a Debeers commercial.