"Hard Ticket to Hawaii" (1987), Dir: Andy Sidaris
Unknown Budget vs. Non-Existent Gross
There are bad movies that make you cringe and then there's the ones that make you rejoice. Watching Hard Ticket to Hawaii, I wonder three things: (1) How did I ever live before seeing this wonderfully horrible film? (2) Why hasn't somebody like Quentin Tarantino tried to remake or capitalize off this gem? (3) I'd better keep my mouth shut so it stays just the way it is. I don't think I could live if someone ever modernized this amazing theme song.
Starring a cast of near-porn stars and a giant snake-puppet, the film follows two secret operatives on the down-low. Played by two former playboy playmates -- Hope Marie Carlton in 1985 and Dona Speir in 1984 -- the two are stationed in Hawaii, pretending to be two unassuming female cops, who never wear bras and always manage to find an excuse to be topless. The plot (to my surprise) takes off when the girls are hired to deliver a large venomous snake to the island (for reasons unknown), as well as a married couple on their honeymoon (inevitably snake-lunch). Now I usually avoid movies with snakes of any kind because of a crippling phobia, but this movie is so much fun and the giant snake is so bad-looking, it's, well, just plain unavoidable (kinda like watching Snakes on a Plane and all its stupid C.G.I. snakes).
After delivering their cargo, the two girls accidentally stumble upon a secret diamond-exchange, orchestrated by a powerful crime-lord named Mr. Chang. The delivery was meant for one of the island's most vicious criminals named Seth Romero, but after a series of struggles, ends up in the ladies' possession and their non-human cargo is accidentally released.
Amongst many superb qualities, the main villain Seth Romero is one of the film's highlights, probably suffering about as much physical punishment and agony as Jason Voorhees would by the end of a Friday The 13th film In the course of these ludicrous events, Seth gets shot in the face, stabbed with a harpoon gun, falls onto a switch-blade, gets bit by the giant snake on his face (which makes him unknowingly contract snake-cancer... yep), and so on. (There's even a sequence that deliberately rips off Halloween with Seth in the Michael Myers role, only to get punctured like Michael did, suggesting that Seth is... a ghost??? I dunno.) By the end of it all, you just want someone to put the poor guy out of his misery before he does any further damage to himself.
It's actually shocking how enjoyable this film is. Does anyone remember in Boogie Nights how Burt Reynold's character says that he's always wanted to make a real movie, yet still starring porn actors? This is what I picture that movie being. There isn't much I can say without giving away all the best parts, so we'll just sum up the reasons to see it: (1) Boobs, boobs, and bewbs, (2) budgeted yet ridiculous action sequences, (3) porn stars trying to be action stars, and (4) a giant Jim Henson-esque snake that steals the show. Watch this gem movie in all its terrible glory.
Now that's a trailer. And if my review hasn't sold you on this one, perhaps this clip will. For your viewing displeasure, our friend Seth getting further mangled and the famous cancer-snake's greatest scene!
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