BAD MOVIES THAT SHOULD BE SEEN (13 OF 100)

"Orgy of the Dead" (1959), Dir: Stephen C. Apostolof
 

$$ Unknown Budget vs. Non-Existent Gross $$

Regardless that the credits claim this movie was directed by Stephen C. Apostolof, a veteran in the exploitation realm, this film through-and-through belongs to Mr. Edward Wood Jr. Most cinephile's familiarity with Mr. Ed Wood extends as far as Plan 9 From Outer Space or the Tim Burton biopic film, typically claiming him to be the worst director ever. (Clearly, these people have never seen a Michael Bay film.) But Ed Wood gets a bad rap in my opinion. Plan 9 is not nearly as bad as people say. Glen Or Glenda is not that bad either. If David Lynch made a feature in 1953, it would probably look a lot like Glen Or Glenda. But 1959's Orgy of the Dead is a bad movie, but as the headline of these articles states, worth seeing at least.

Opening with your typical Ed Wood introduction, Criswell (an Ed Wood regular) seems pretty drunk as he describes the limbo the film takes place in, slurring his nonsensical monologue. From there, the film follows a husband named Bob (played by Williams Gates, who only ever appeared in two films and looks a lot like Rock Hudson) and his wife Shirley (played by Pat Barrington, no stranger to the horror-smut realm). The married couple survive a car crash only to end up in a strange cemetery somewhere between the realm of the living and the land of the dead. At this place, they meet Criswell, known to his awkwardly comedic minions as The Emperor of the Night, who calls upon the spirits of the dead for "the orgy."

And that's the entire plot. Fawn Silver fills in for Ed Wood regular Vampira, but really nothing much happens outside of that. To save you some disappointment from the film's misleading title, there isn't an orgy. Aside some nudity, probably the most naughty thing that happens in the film is Fawn Silver unbuttoning Shirley's shirt as knife-point (with the fakest knife ever) and then buttoning it back up (oh la la). The rest is pretty much just a series of topless go-go dancers, who all perform the exact same dance for the Emperor, to music that isn't very cryptic or even sexy for that matter. As the happy couple are forced to watch the most boring orgy in the history of the act, a mummy and a wolfman provide laughs (I guess) for dialogue-interludes between dances. One of these interludes results in the greatest movie lines of all time: "Torture! Torture! It pleasures me!" Other than that, nudity is the only thing this movie has going for it and I own dirtier Sears catalogues than this.

It's a good movie to have on at a party, where no one is paying much attention to it, and everyone is extremely drunk. For those few moments you do turn your attention back to the screen, it'll be worth the laugh or two if you can even find it. Happy hunting. No trailer for this film was available, so here is the infamous drunken monologue by Criswell.

And for your viewing displeasure, pretty much anything else that happens in Orgy of the Dead that isn't some mindless go-go ghoul doing the same dance the last girl did. Watch for the great one-liner "Torture! Torture!"