BAD MOVIES THAT SHOULD BE SEEN (17 OF 100)

"The Warriors" (1979), Dir: Walter Hill

 

$7 Million in Budget vs. $22,490,039 in Gross

 
It's funny to watch a movie like The Warriors, laugh my ass off, and then realize that the guy who made actually this has quite a dinstinguished career behind him. On top of this film, Writer-Producer Walter Hill had a hand in all the Alien films (Prometheus included), both of the highly underrated 48 Hours films, Tales from the Crypt (1989-96), the subsequent movies (the good and the bad), the little known Perversions of Science, and notably HBO's Deadwood pilot (as director), as well as Stallone's most recent attempt to prove he's not 67, the box office flounder Bullet to the Head... Not bad, not bad.

 
In its time, The Warriors was not well-received by critics, and there are clear reasons for that. In terms of its acting, yeah, it's pretty bad. The characters talk to each other without the slightest hint of human emotion. And the realism is a bit questionable. I mean, I live in a pretty rough neighborhood myself and I've never seen gangs dressed as both cowboys/Indians (The Warriors), KISS/Roberto Alomar (The Baseball Furies), or Roller Girl/Super Mario Family (The Punks, apparently)... So yeah, not exactly an accurate on the pre-Reagan youth...

 
And for that matter, the social commentary (if any) is a little shallow. I refer you to the subway scene where the gang encounters a bunch of rich kids coming from their prom (I assume). The rich girl looks at the poor girl's shoes and everyone goes silent. It's possibly one of the more empty, awkward, and blatant social commentaries I've seen in a movie and doesn't really create the social landscape as I think Hill intended...
 

So, for all these bad qualities, why even see The Warriors? I tell you. Because the first fifteen minutes of The Warriors deserves to be studied in f&%$ing schools. The topic should be "How To Execute a Perfect Story Set Up And Do It Right!"

The movie opens with a series of flash-cuts of all the city's street gangs informing one another that Cyrus, leader of the Gramercy Riffs (and a very Third Man-esque character), wants all the gangs to meet in Van Cortlandt Park, unarmed. Cyrus proposes a truce amongst the gangs so that they can start working together and take over the city. Swaying the crowd, Cyrus proclaims (in the movie's most quotable moment) "Can you dig it?!" The gangs all cheer Cyrus on as a born leader... that is, until a psychotic little punk named Luther (a young Uncle Jerry from Twin Peaks) shoots Cyrus and kills him..Chaos ensues and Luther and his gang (The Rogues) pin the murder on The Warriors, making them the most hated gang in the city and target of everyone's wrath...

Now that, folks, is what you call "a set-up." Within a small amount of time (exactly 13 minutes and 44 seconds), Mr. Hill makes sure the audience knows who is important (Cyrus), what is at stake (the truce), and what causes that to come crashing down (that asshole Luther); putting our characters in grave peril and smack in the middle of a situation that seems impossible to resolve... Ah, jeez, how they gonna get out of this? Well, if you're asking yourself that question, then Mr. Hill has done his job. Doesn't matter if the film sucks for the next hour or even ends with some stupid musical number, the set-up worked. Like a contractual agreement between the audience and the filmmaker, what was being sold was also purchased, even if it runs the risk of not being completely satisfactory. The potential is more attractive than the reality in the end.

 
The only two other movies I can recall having set-ups as tight as The Warriors are Die Hard and Winter's Bone. From its set-up to its climax, the movie offers some great and not-so-great action sequences, some interesting characters along the way, and most importantly, a constant need to see how these bad actors dressed in Chip 'n' Dale vests get out of this situation. Modern screenwriters could learn a thing or two from 70s cheese like The Warriors.

For your viewing displeasure, an ironic song choice for this sort of movie...

BAD MOVIES THAT SHOULD BE SEEN (8 OF 100)

 

"Death Wish 3" (1985), Dir: Michael Winner

$9 Million in Budget vs. $16,116,878 in Gross

A milestone of the legendary Cannon Group, I remember reading an article on Death Wish 3 in university once, to my surprise, shortly after seeing on television. I never really considered Charlie B. the subject of academia before. I don't remember the said article's title, but the subheading was "Whitey's Comin' To Get Ya." It discussed the Death Wish films as archetypal examples of the 80s conservative backlash. I read it, having only seen one of the Death Wish films, and wondered to myself how anyone got that from a film that features Alex Winter (Bill from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure) as one of the main villain's lackeys.

In his prime, I'm sure Charles Bronson was one scary mother. But by the third Death Wish movie, he just looked... well, tired, like he needed a nap... maybe a drink as well. His presence in this film was far less action hero and far more melting candle. (There was a little more spark in his return-performance in Death Wish 4. In that film, there's a scene where he plants a bomb in a fish dinner.) This addition to the depraved adventures of Paul Kersey has Paul visiting an old war buddy in a crime-ridden neighborhood, only to find his friend murdered and the local police pinning the crime on him... 

But knowing that Paul is a vigilante, the police captain (Ed Lauter, who always played the police captain) releases Paul in hopes that he will murder the bad guys and save his officers from actually enforcing the law. From there, the movie goes back and forth between Bronson killing crazy punks with clever booby-traps (pre-Home Alone and much more funny) to just straight-up shooting them. Eventually, the punks push back, going after Broson's retired senior citizen friends. Not satisfied, they murder Bronson's sorta love interest (Deborah Raffin at her most redwood) and just after the two have just finished a nice chicken dinner. Bronson's reaction to this is very much a "Well, sh&*%."

This slowly leads to one of the greatest cinematic battles (pre-Braveheart). The Elderly vs. The Young Punks. Grandmas and grandpas alike breaking out their old rusty guns (some of them being what I assume is an M2 Browning Machine Gun) and murdering punks in masses. There is one particular scene where the old people trick some of the punks with a booby-trap, making them trip over a chain, and then shooting them to death while they're in the street and can't get up... It's amazing. See the whole thing here.

But the fact remains that Charles Bronson seems half-asleep during the whole film, making even scenes where he's kicking ass and taking numbers play out like he were Grandpa Simpson (and not Hell-Fish Bonanza Grandpa Simpson either). Watch for the comedy because there's plenty of that.

For your viewing displeasure, Charles Bronson buying a ice cream bar and then murdering somebody, and giving the neighborhood a new-found sense of hope.

BAD MOVIES THAT SHOULD BE SEEN (4 OF 100)

 

"Southland Tales" (2006), Dir: Richard Kelly

$17 Million in Budget vs. $374,743 in Gross

Some movies are so bad that they are fascinating, like The Crow 2 or Natural Born Killers. You watch it and wonder what exactly was going through the director's mind they made whatever this is. Apparently Richard Kelly's abomination Southland Tales was inspired by the events of September 11th. Now, what exactly the Highlander driving around in a van, Sarah Michelle Gellar as a porn star, Kevin Smith as a gun-totting Obi Wan Kenobi, and the Rock traveling through time have to do with the events of September 11th is beyond me, but that's what was on Kelly's. (The funniest thing is that besides the time travel part, I could see most of the insane notions of celebrity explored in this movie coming to fruition.) Starring pretty much every C-grade actor and misfit in Hollywood -- Sean William Scott, Jon Lovitz, Cheri Oteri, Will Sasso, that midget-lady from Poltergeist -- Southland Tales is a senseless, pretentious mess. Abundantly attempting to be social commentary, the dares to go places its audience might not necessarily want to, ie. seeing Stifler try to seriously actor, Cheri Oteri threatening to kill herself unless she gets some Dwayne Johnson c%$#@, and some androgynous Chinese woman dancing in, like, every scene. Unraveling into moments of what looks like a  George Michael video and with a soundtrack entirely by Moby, this giant mess runs over two whole hours. The movie has its moments, but that's mainly the C.G.I. car commercial that turns into vehicular pornography with one truck ramming another. The rest, I just don't know...



For your viewing displeasure, what could arguably be the best scene in the film or the worst. I'm gonna be generous and call it the best because at least its creativity takes over the confusing aspects.