"Boa vs. Python" (2004), Dir: David Flores
$1.2 Million in Budget vs. Direct to Video
The "Enlarged Animal Film" (I guess that's what we'll call it) has evolved into, well, quite a mess in the last decade or so. What started with the success of Jaws in the 70s, Roger Corman turned into an industry on its own. Shark films have become their own genre, followed by any other large animal that could eat humans. This is one of those others movies. Probably as other as it gets. I chose this film particularly because it melds two of those different genres together: Snake Films (an endless string of films that ripped off Anaconda) and the Versus Movies (which have been around since Godzilla's universe/franchise expanded). This particular movie combines two near-identical movies with near identical monsters to come together and brawl it out... Oh, boy. Hold onto your hats, folks!
The movie opens with a truck transporting what is presumably one of the giant snakes as it inter-cuts with a professional wrestling match, where some sleazy casino-owner named Broddrick is in attendance. He receives a phone call telling him "his package" is on the way. But shortly after making that call, the convoy stops. The package has woken and it's angry. The convoy readies the tranquilizer gun to put the big snake down, but the snake (Boa or Python?) gets loose, killing them all. As this carnage happens, the movie cuts back as Broddick watches as two Luchador wrestlers - one named Boa and the other named Python (wink, wink) - enter the arena. Now that, folks, is what I call symbolism!
Broddrick and his sexy girlfriend get on a plane and high-tail it out of there. The scene offers us some obligatory nudity while plot as well, but also features one of Broddick's pet snakes (a clearly rubber one) getting loose in the bathroom. This particular snake yelps like a puppy when picked up or tossed around.
Before Broddrick and his girlfriend indulge in high-altitude sin, Broddrick unravels his plot to organize a big-game hunting expedition for the wealthy and use the giant python as their target. Then, he conveniently turns on the TV and discovers through the news that his convoy carrying the giant snake has been destroyed, meaning the snake is loose. Looks like the hunt's on early.
Meanwhile, the FBI apparently saw Python, so are already aware of the giant snake. They recruit a Playboy Playmate named Jaime Bergman, who pretends to be a marine biologist. How do we know she's a marine biologist? Because the movie introduces her in the middle of a contest where she and some fat dude are trying to see who can hold their breath under water the longest. She flashe him a bewb (which we do not see, considering she's a f&$@ing playmate) and ends up winning the contest. Now that's science, baby!
Now, apparently the marine biologist (Monica) has developed camera headgear designed to track dolphins, however, turns out the headgear can also be applied to dry-land animals. Hm... So, pretty much she developed headgear that any animal can wear and be tracked with. What's to say only animals can use it? What about humans?
Hmm. So, really, she developed some headgear that a human or animal can wear and the FBI can track them with it... You'd think the FBI would already have something like that. But for some reason they need to go consult this ridiculously hot scientist, who is pretty much the worst casting choice for a scientist since Denise Richards in that James Bond movie. Poor girl. She is beautiful, yes, but can't act in the slightest. Even in her reaction shots, it just doesn't look like she is thinking about anything... at all.
Anyways, the FBI wants Monica's device so they can send dolphins after the giant snake. Just kidding. But really, their plan is only slightly less preposterous. The FBI man and Monica seek out Dr. Emmett (underrated Canadian actor David Hewlett of Treed Murray) who has raised a genetically-enhanced boa named Betty. The plan is to attach the headgear to Betty in hopes that Betty will find the other large snake and kill it. Impressed by Betty, the FBI Man (whoever he is) comments, "This is big and big is nice." You bet it is, FBI Man.
Meanwhile, Broddick forms a group of all American badass hunters to go after the giant snake. It's a motley crew of rejects from the Fast And Furious movies and the father-son team from Honey I Shrunk The Kids. Their story is boring and pointless. Meanwhile, as this is happening, Monica and Dr. Emmett need more convincing to work together in a scene that literally functions just to repeat the plot again, three times over in a row...
FBI MAN: "With your expertise, equipment, and boa, I think we can successfully locate and eliminate that python."
MONICA: "Using my implants, we can track the boa track the python and see every move she makes?"
DR. EMMETT: "Let me get this straight. You want to attach that thing to my boa and use it to hunt down the python?"
Wow. Now that's some phenomenal dialogue! But where the f@$& are the snakes? Oh, wait. There's one. And it's on screen for, like, 40 seconds... Now, as most typically horror movies go, there's a Teen Sex/Impending Death scene. This time, it happens in the middle of a fellatio party with the guy being eaten, miraculously replaced by the giant python, and the girl simply not noticing. From there, they both get devoured... Yep. There's the snake... and they went there.
As far as the rest goes, the two teams of characters (the military and the hunters) demonstrate some utter incompetency in their fields, especially when coming together to kill the giant snakes and accidentally killing each other instead. But overall, neither team really poses much threat to either giant snake. They're more of just a nuance to us and we want giant snake. There is one scene where the snake the military is rooting for (Betty) ends up killing a lot of their own people, but it's only 30 seconds. I wanted the damn snake to kill all the characters so there would be more snake.
And then, when the two snakes finally encounter one another, you'd expect this fight to finally get going... But no, it doesn't. Upon discovering each other, the two snakes start having Giant C.G.I. Snake Sex... I mean, I suppose it's a pretty special moment for the two, realizing they're not the only giant C.G.I. snake in the world. However, this is supposed to be a Versus Movie, so shouldn't we get to some goddamn snake-fighting already?! I mean, if this was Freddy vs. Jason and instead of fighting Freddy and Jason just started banging -- Aaahhhh! Dear God!
Like Hard Ticket to Hawaii, this movie contains a lot of myths about snakes one would think the filmmakers would want to avoid... but didn't. So here we go:
(1) When snakes eat people, they rip them limb from limb. Not true. They usually eat you whole.
(2) Snakes never stop eating. Not true. If a snake managed to eat an entire human (or in this movie's case, several), it probably wouldn't need to eat again for a long, long time.
(3) Snakes can whip people with their tails. Not true.
(4) Snakes are bulletproof. Definitely not true. My girlfriend can attest to that. These snakes should've died.
(5) Snakes are inherently evil. True, but I've have been told by others that's it not true. Agree to disagree.
For a movie featuring two giant C.G.I. snakes, it seems they could only afford an accumulated 7 to 10 minutes of C.G.I. in the whole film. The rest is just people talking about the snakes, running around aimlessly, flaunting their bewbs (male and female), torching sh@$ with flame throwers, and blowing stuff up. What little snake the movie offers makes it kinda funny, but you still want more snake.
It's worth seeing probably because it's probably the best of the Enlarged C.G.I. Animal vs. Enlarged C.G.I. Animal films. I'm going to wager it has more Enlarged C.G.I. Animal in it than most of these films. It probably can sum up the whole market for you in one film. But give it ten years. This will be considered the Citizen Kane of Enlarged C.G.I. Animal films because they aren't getting any better.
And for your viewing displeasure, the Teen Sex/Impending Death scene...
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