BAD MOVIES THAT SHOULD BE SEEN (32 OF 100)

"Things" (1989), Dir: Andrew Jordan

$35,000 Budget vs. Straight to VHS Release

Myself and peers have always been fans of bad movies. Learning from the good folk at Red Letter Media that the low-budget Canadian film Things was about as bad as it gets, I took a gamble and bought it for a friend for Christmas. We watched it, laughed at first, but then finding ourselves very tired and frustrated by the end. I think my friend described it best: "[Things] is a movie with everything wrong with it."

I was shocked to discover that things had a budget of $35,000. (I could make twelve movies with that much.) I'm assuming that most of that went into the practical effects and porn star Amber Lynn's five minutes of screen time. It certainly did not go into the opening credits, which were clearly done on a computer and bad even by 1989 standards. The scoring was the worst part. Clearly Midi music and sounded like the free samples you get when you buy the program. After the first couple of minutes, my friend yelled "This has gotta be a student film!" But when Amber Lynn suddenly appeared, we knew for sure it wasn't... No Nova Scotia Film Student would have Amber Lynn in his little black book. Not for this crap. Nope. Turns out it was just some guys, a Super 8 camera, and not a f&$%ing clue what they were doing.

The movie opens with a particularly disturbing scene in a dingy basement where a bearded man meets up with a naked woman in a mask (and no, the naked woman is not Amber Lynn). After seeing this whole movie through, I've come to the conclusion that the bearded man was Doug Drake (Doug Bunston), who we formally meet later in the film. He keeps screaming at the woman that he wants her to have his baby. The naked woman responds "I've already had your baby." She produces something wrapped in a blanket that causes Doug to scream... Now, whether or not this is a real event in the movie, I'm not sure. I actually don't know the purpose of this scene except to set up that Doug wants children... Odd way of conveying that sentiment.

From there, the movie cuts to Amber Lynn playing a local news reporter. Because the filmmakers could not afford a real studio, they made due with some random TVs and a shelf as a backdrop. Now that's indie! Clearly reading her lines from off screen, Amber tells the audience of the recent power outage and how it's left the east side of wherever in complete darkness. Now, I don't know how this information applies to the main story. The main story follows Don Drake (Director Andrew Jordan) and his buddy Fred Horton (Bruce Roach) as the two go to visit Don's brother Doug ("I want you to have my baby!") and his wife Susan (Patricia Saddler) at their cabin while Susan is pregnant. 

So the local news claims the power is out, but when the guys get to the cabin in the woods, it's clearly on. The lights work, the fridge is on, the TV works... So what was the point of highlighting that the power was off? Maybe they just wanted to show that they somehow managed to get a porn star to play a role that she's totally not suited for? C'mon, ya goofs! 

Moving on, while Don and Fred manage to find some of Doug's beer in the fridge, they also uncover a recorder... which is tucked away in the cabin freezer... for whatever reason. Deciding that the freezer is a good place to store things, Don removes his jacket, also stores it in the freezer, and the two play the spooky mysterious tape. Deliberately referencing/stealing from Evil Dead, the record emits strange, haunting sounds. Do these voices awaken the evil, carnivorous Things to attack our heroes? Nope. In fact, the recorder has no purpose in the story whatsoever. "So what is its purpose then?", you ask. Well, to highlight that these guys are fans of Evil Dead and are also making a movie that features a main character in a blue shirt... Duh.

From that point, the movie suddenly goes to scene I still have not been able to figure out. Even after seeing the movie, I'm not sure if this part's a flashback, or happening at the same time, or whether it's a dream, or what even it's purpose is, but it involves a character named Dr. Lucas (Susan's doctor, played by Jan W. Pachul) removing a patient's tongue and eyes... Now, generally, I cannot stand watching torture. I hate the Saw and Hostel movies. I like gore, but not torture. I don't even like the torture scene in the first Lethal Weapon and everybody calls me a wuss for that. But with Things, never have I been so unaffected by torture on screen as I have with this movie. The gore was decent enough (possibly the only thing the filmmakers did right), but I was so confused as to what was going on that I just didn't care, not even enough to be slightly disgusted.

Anyways, back to our buddies at the cabin: Doug has now joined the boys while Susan sleeps in the other room, complaining that the pain of her pregnancy is so bad that she wants to kill herself (while the actress keeps smiling the whole time). The guys drink some beers, watch some TV, and finally make some sandwiches... It's a whole lot of nothing with them doing nothing, and it goes on for nearly ten minutes. Then Susan screams. Oh no! She's in labor! But this baby is not the baby they expected. It's a monster that resembles the Queen Alien mixed with a giant spider. It rips through her stomach, killing her instantly. Unsure how to react, the guys shut the door, run back to the kitchen, and grab some more beers to think things over... Yep. That's what they do.

From here on, the movie pretty much goes back and forth between the guys either drinking in the kitchen (an east coast tradition called a "Kitchen Party"); fighting off the Things that are presumably still coming out of Susan's corpse by the dozens; and Amber Lynn reporting news that doesn't matter. On a plus note, the Things themselves look pretty good, but this depends on how many characters are being attacked at a time; meaning in a cast/production of three people, one can operate the camera, one can be on camera, and one can operate the Thing-puppet to look scary. Otherwise, the creatures remain perfectly dormant and don't seem threatening at all.

But what's even less threatening is when the drill and chainsaw the guys are using to fight the Things both have extension cords clearly plugged in to them. I don't know if this was a mistake or not, but seeing an electrical cord makes it very hard to get excited or even intimidated by any of this... Also, I thought the power was out in the east end. Are these events not in the east end? If not, then what's the point of even... Ah, f&%$ it. As my friend said, "This movie has everything wrong with it."

Things is a very difficult movie to understand, watch, or enjoy. It's hard to understand because I don't know where the Things themselves came from. I'm assuming Doug and Dr. Lucas tried to get Susan pregnant in some kind of weird experiment gone wrong (that's what the synopsis says at least). However, that is never made clear, so you don't know what to think. It's difficult to watch because it was shot on Super 8, has sh&%ty lighting, and all the dialogue is poorly dubbed. So there's that. Finally, it's difficult to enjoy because it's so terrible that I don't know if I can even call it funny-terrible... just terrible.

Should you see it? Yes. Just to see how bad a movie can really get. And I mean bad. But I think it only warrants one viewing, if you can make it through the whole thing... Get it? I said whole thing... Ah, f&*$ this movie. (WARNING: Trailer contains nudity and not good nudity either.)

And for your viewing displeasure, Red Letter Media's take on Things. I don't think I can do this movie as much justice as they can.

.

BAD MOVIES THAT SHOULD BE SEEN (31 OF 100)

"Freaked" (1993), Dir: Tom Stern and Alex Winters

$12,000,000 in Budget vs. $29,296 in Gross

There was a time where the movie Freaked was a very hard to find. I had first seen it at a friend's house as a child. We rented it from a video store and had such a jolly good time watching it that the very next weekend we went to rent it again, only to find someone else had. From there, pretty much every time we went to the store to rent this stupid movie, it was gone, eventually leading us to believe it had been stolen. And yes, this was pretty much everyone's story of the movie Freaked back in the good old days of VHS. Finally, the good folks at Anchor bay found the movie and re-released it on DVD about 20 years after its horrid theatrical run to a late but moderate cult following.

Freaked is the brain-child of Alex Winter, better known as Bill from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure and one of those punks from Death Wish 3. Winter and the other creatures -- um, creators Tom Stern and Tim Burns had all been involved in the short-lived MTV sketch show "The Idiot Box." The movie was originally conceived as a low-budget horror flick featuring the band The Butthole Surfers, but was then re-imagined to star Winter in a much more surrealist comedy, sporting a brand of humor similar to Mad Magazine. When originally shown to test audiences, Freaked (at the time, entitled Hideous Mutant Freakz) rated very poorly. Deemed "too weird," its near non-existent theatrical run cost the studio greatly, losing Fox almost $12 million dollars in budget. Now that's a lot of potatoes!

As for the movie itself, we are introduced to sleazy former child-star Ricky Coogan, who has just recently had been summoned by the sleazy Everything Except Shoes Corporation. The head of E.E.S., Dick Brian (played by the great William Sadler) wants Ricky to be their spokesperson for their controversial fertilizer Zygrot 24, which has proved to be lethal by most countries of the world. They offer Ricky $5 million dollars to go to South America and get a first hand look at the chemicals' effects. Being the greedy person Ricky is, he accepts. On his way, Ricky brings his best friend Ernie (Michael Stoyanov or better known as "The Unfunny Brother" from Blossom) to the fictional country known as Santa Flan, where their destinies will change forever...

However, as soon as they arrive, they are stopped at the airport by a large group of protestors ready to pelt Ricky Coogan with cow sh%$. Led by a beautiful but self-righteous Julie (played by the 90s super babe Megan Ward), the activist manages to catch Ricky's eye, so Ricky pretends to be one of the protestors and manages to convince her to go for a drive. It doesn't take long before Julie discovers Ricky isn't who he says he is and is in fact the very person she came to pelt with sh@$. As they drive on to, um, somewhere, Julie notices an old billboard for a freak-show, insisting they go check it out. When the group arrives at what looks like a carnival wasteland, they meet Elijah C. Scuggs (Randy Quaid in his best role ever), the self-deemed "freak master." Suddenly Scuggs kidnaps the three, using some stolen barrels of Zygort 24 to transform them all into hideous mutant freaks. Former child-star Ricky Coogan now becomes the freak-show's lead attraction, The Beast Boy.

The most impressive thing about Freaked is its production value. A lot of money went into the effects and especially the make-up effects. The movie even hosts some of the first C.G. I recall seeing. Freaked also features some pretty bad actors in their best roles. Role call! First, we got Randy Quaid as Scuggs (who I have a feeling was the inspiration for Professor Scudworth in the short-lived Clone High), Mr. T as The Bearded Lady, Bobcat Goldthwait as Sockhead, Derek McGarth (the professor from My Secret Identity) as a giant worm, underrated actor John Hawkes (I never realized he was in this until I started researching this article) as a talking cow, and Keanu Reeves (or better known at the time as Ted) in an uncredited role as Ortiz The Dog Boy.

But describing the humor as being like Mad Magazine is pretty accurate. Sometimes Mad Magazine was spot on and other times, well, they were trying way too hard and unfortunately came up pretty dry. A lot of the jokes in Freaked fell upon it being a product of the 90s with references to The Blue Lagoon (technically an 80s reference, but a recurring 90s joke), Bob Vila, and Jake & The Fat Man (another 80s show, but 90s joke). Audiences of today would definitely not make a connection with these jokes and didn't really back then either. I guess that was the joke, but like Mad Magazine, very dry at times. Then again, some of the humor is actually quite genius in my opinion, like when all the freaks try to escape dressed as milkmen, or when we meet the pot-smoking Giant Rasta Eyeballs. There's also the lamenting hammer that used to be a wrench, and Stuey Gluck (played by Alex Zuckerman), the ugliest fan boy in the world. Definitely enough worth watching.

The most hilarious part of the whole movie, though, is William Sadler's delivery on one of the movie's best lines: "Gentlemen, might I add that all those who oppose us will stand knee-deep in the blood of their children." So good. Never gets old. Unfortunately for the movie itself, it kinda does. Probably one of the best looking comedies I have ever seen with some really great moments, but overall it's legend is more interesting than its execution. I would love to see another comedy of this magnitude some day, but with humor worth the $12 million spent.

And for your viewing displeasure, a clip that pretty gives you all the characters and gives you an idea of the overall tone of the film...

BAD MOVIES THAT SHOULD BE SEEN (30 OF 100)

"Boa vs. Python" (2004), Dir: David Flores

$1.2 Million in Budget vs. Direct to Video

The "Enlarged Animal Film" (I guess that's what we'll call it) has evolved into, well, quite a mess in the last decade or so. What started with the success of Jaws in the 70s, Roger Corman turned into an industry on its own. Shark films have become their own genre, followed by any other large animal that could eat humans. This is one of those others movies. Probably as other as it gets. I chose this film particularly because it melds two of those different genres together: Snake Films (an endless string of films that ripped off Anaconda) and the Versus Movies (which have been around since Godzilla's universe/franchise expanded). This particular movie combines two near-identical movies with near identical monsters to come together and brawl it out... Oh, boy. Hold onto your hats, folks!

The movie opens with a truck transporting what is presumably one of the giant snakes as it inter-cuts with a professional wrestling match, where some sleazy casino-owner named Broddrick is in attendance. He receives a phone call telling him "his package" is on the way. But shortly after making that call, the convoy stops. The package has woken and it's angry. The convoy readies the tranquilizer gun to put the big snake down, but the snake (Boa or Python?) gets loose, killing them all. As this carnage happens, the movie cuts back as Broddick watches as two Luchador wrestlers - one named Boa and the other named Python (wink, wink) - enter the arena. Now that, folks, is what I call symbolism!

Broddrick and his sexy girlfriend get on a plane and high-tail it out of there. The scene offers us some obligatory nudity while plot as well, but also features one of Broddick's pet snakes (a clearly rubber one) getting loose in the bathroom. This particular snake yelps like a puppy when picked up or tossed around.

Before Broddrick and his girlfriend indulge in high-altitude sin, Broddrick unravels his plot to organize a big-game hunting expedition for the wealthy and use the giant python as their target. Then, he conveniently turns on the TV and discovers through the news that his convoy carrying the giant snake has been destroyed, meaning the snake is loose. Looks like the hunt's on early.

Meanwhile, the FBI apparently saw Python, so are already aware of the giant snake. They recruit a Playboy Playmate named Jaime Bergman, who pretends to be a marine biologist. How do we know she's a marine biologist? Because the movie introduces her in the middle of a contest where she and some fat dude are trying to see who can hold their breath under water the longest. She flashe him a bewb (which we do not see, considering she's a f&$@ing playmate) and ends up winning the contest. Now that's science, baby!

Now, apparently the marine biologist (Monica) has developed camera headgear designed to track dolphins, however, turns out the headgear can also be applied to dry-land animals. Hm... So, pretty much she developed headgear that any animal can wear and be tracked with. What's to say only animals can use it? What about humans?

Hmm. So, really, she developed some headgear that a human or animal can wear and the FBI can track them with it... You'd think the FBI would already have something like that. But for some reason they need to go consult this ridiculously hot scientist, who is pretty much the worst casting choice for a scientist since Denise Richards in that James Bond movie. Poor girl. She is beautiful, yes, but can't act in the slightest. Even in her reaction shots, it just doesn't look like she is thinking about anything... at all.

Anyways, the FBI wants Monica's device so they can send dolphins after the giant snake. Just kidding. But really, their plan is only slightly less preposterous. The FBI man and Monica seek out Dr. Emmett (underrated Canadian actor David Hewlett of Treed Murray) who has raised a genetically-enhanced boa named Betty. The plan is to attach the headgear to Betty in hopes that Betty will find the other large snake and kill it. Impressed by Betty, the FBI Man (whoever he is) comments, "This is big and big is nice." You bet it is, FBI Man.

Meanwhile, Broddick forms a group of all American badass hunters to go after the giant snake. It's a motley crew of rejects from the Fast And Furious movies and the father-son team from Honey I Shrunk The Kids. Their story is boring and pointless. Meanwhile, as this is happening, Monica and Dr. Emmett need more convincing to work together in a scene that literally functions just to repeat the plot again, three times over in a row...

FBI MAN: "With your expertise, equipment, and boa, I think we can successfully locate and eliminate that python."

MONICA: "Using my implants, we can track the boa track the python and see every move she makes?" 

DR. EMMETT: "Let me get this straight. You want to attach that thing to my boa and use it to hunt down the python?"

Wow. Now that's some phenomenal dialogue! But where the f@$& are the snakes? Oh, wait. There's one. And it's on screen for, like, 40 seconds... Now, as most typically horror movies go, there's a Teen Sex/Impending Death scene. This time, it happens in the middle of a fellatio party with the guy being eaten, miraculously replaced by the giant python, and the girl simply not noticing. From there, they both get devoured... Yep. There's the snake... and they went there.

As far as the rest goes, the two teams of characters (the military and the hunters) demonstrate some utter incompetency in their fields, especially when coming together to kill the giant snakes and accidentally killing each other instead. But overall, neither team really poses much threat to either giant snake. They're more of just a nuance to us and we want giant snake. There is one scene where the snake the military is rooting for (Betty) ends up killing a lot of their own people, but it's only 30 seconds. I wanted the damn snake to kill all the characters so there would be more snake.

And then, when the two snakes finally encounter one another, you'd expect this fight to finally get going... But no, it doesn't. Upon discovering each other, the two snakes start having Giant C.G.I. Snake Sex... I mean, I suppose it's a pretty special moment for the two, realizing they're not the only giant C.G.I. snake in  the world. However, this is supposed to be a Versus Movie, so shouldn't we get to some goddamn snake-fighting already?! I mean, if this was Freddy vs. Jason and instead of fighting Freddy and Jason just started banging -- Aaahhhh! Dear God!

Like Hard Ticket to Hawaii, this movie contains a lot of myths about snakes one would think the filmmakers would want to avoid... but didn't. So here we go:

(1) When snakes eat people, they rip them limb from limb. Not true. They usually eat you whole. 
(2) Snakes never stop eating. Not true. If a snake managed to eat an entire human (or in this movie's case, several), it probably wouldn't need to eat again for a long, long time.
(3) Snakes can whip people with their tails. Not true.
(4) Snakes are bulletproof. Definitely not true. My girlfriend can attest to that. These snakes should've died.
(5) Snakes are inherently evil. True, but I've have been told by others that's it not true. Agree to disagree.

For a movie featuring two giant C.G.I. snakes, it seems they could only afford an accumulated 7 to 10 minutes of C.G.I. in the whole film. The rest is just people talking about the snakes, running around aimlessly, flaunting their bewbs (male and female), torching sh@$ with flame throwers, and blowing stuff up. What little snake the movie offers makes it kinda funny, but you still want more snake.

It's worth seeing probably because it's probably the best of the Enlarged C.G.I. Animal vs. Enlarged C.G.I. Animal films. I'm going to wager it has more Enlarged C.G.I. Animal in it than most of these films. It probably can sum up the whole market for you in one film. But give it ten years. This will be considered the Citizen Kane of Enlarged C.G.I. Animal films because they aren't getting any better. 

And for your viewing displeasure, the Teen Sex/Impending Death scene...

BAD MOVIES THAT SHOULD BE SEEN (29 OF 100)

"Last Action Hero" (1993), Dir: John McTiernan

$70,000,000 in Budget vs. $49,946,994 in Gross

I used to watch this movie all the time. Re-watching it, I can't remember why. When the original writers of Last Action Hero couldn't properly imitate Shane Black's witty writing style, what started out as a spoof of Shane Black action movies (Lethal Weapon & The Last Boyscout) actually became a Shane Black action movie. That and Shane Black and John McTiernan (Die Hard & Predator) were in need of work, so why not spoof the genre they made famous? And make it for kids!

The movie opens as your typical 80s Schwarzenegger film. There's a hostage situation with children in the hands of an axe-wielding psychopath. (That's how they all were, right?) Suddenly, the scene goes completely out of focus and turns out to be a being played in a rundown, near-empty movie theater.....Stealing the plot-line from The NeverEnding Story, Last Action Hero is about an inner city kid who through f@$%ing magic gets sucked into an Arnold Schwarzenegger action movie. Its an appealing idea, but much darker than expected for a kids' movie.

Its first ten minutes takes place in the bleak reality of Danny's world where he spends most of his days in a dingy movie theater. Danny has no friends, no father, and is a constant disappointment to his overworked mother. And to emphasize how crappy Danny's life is, they even have a scene where he gets robbed at knife-point. The robber handcuffs Danny to the toilet and forces him to go fishing for the key... Now, how is this a kid's movie? The first fifteen minutes is the stuff of urban nightmares: psychotic murderers, crime-ridden neighborhoods, heart-wrenching poverty... Sweet Jesus. Is Danny addicted to heroine too?

So after a visit to the police station, Danny neglects the detective's advise to go straight home and wait for his mother, and goes to the theater instead to see the new Jack Slater movie (Arnie's character). There, he is bestowed by Nick, the old projectionist, with a magic ticket... Now, let's discuss the magic ticket for a second. Danny is regaled with the story of how Houdini gave Nick this ticket back when Nick was a child, and Houdini claimed to get it from "the best magician in India, and [that] he got it from the best magician in Tibet."

Harry Houdini was an active magician between the years 1891 - 1926. The first ever Indian film released was Shree pundalik, a silent film made in 1912. But, prior to forming The Indian Cinematograph Enquiry Committee in 1927, the few Indian production companies there were only produced on average ten films a year (and most weren't over 30 minutes long). So Indian film probably wasn't recognized internationally yet. Also, there is no mention of Harry Houdini having traveled to India when he was actively performing magic. This doesn't disprove that an Indian Magician gave Harry Houdini the ticket, just that it could not have been a ticket for an Indian film being as their industry was barely in existence yet. Also, Harry Houdini would have already been dead by a year by 1927.

So the ticket must be for an American movie. The first public exhibition of a moving photographic image was at Koster and Bial's Music Hall in New York City in April in 1896, meaning movies were playing by time Harry Houdini was actively performing magic and prior to his death. So it's plausible that Harry Houdini might have seen a movie or several movies in his time, but due to the inherent racism of the era, I doubt any Indian Magicians would have been in an American theater with him. Also, Harry Houdini was a Jew, so his chances of seeing a matinee weren't so great either. But hypothetically, say that this Indian Magician and Harry Houdini got turned away at the door for the same movie. That might prompt the Indian Magician to give Harry Houdini his unused ticket... But to what purpose I am not sure...

Then there's this so-called Tibetan Magician. As far as the Tibetan Film Industry goes, try looking it up on wikipedia. You'll come up with nothing. The ticket would not have been for a Tibetan movie because there are and never have been any theaters in Tibet. And the Tibetan Magician probably would never have seen a movie theater before in his life, so would he even know what it is?

Then, of course, the Tibetan Magician would have to buy a ticket, not use it, then give it to the Indian Magician, who would not use it, then give it Harry Houdini, who would also not use it... You know what? I don't think Shane Black did any research into this claim. I think he just said "Hey, Houdini did magic and India sounds magical. How about we just put those two together? Then audiences will buy it! And for good measure, throw some Tibet in there too. It's mysterious." As Chief Wiggum said, "Magic Ticket my ass." Magic Ticket my ass indeed, Shane. Shoulda stopped at "I got the ticket from Harry Houdini. That's it."

Anyways, in the film's film-within-a-film, Jack Slater is caught in the middle of two powerful mobsters joining forces. First thing they do is kill Jack's favorite second-cousin Larry. Then a hit squad comes for Jack, throwing dynamite from a moving car. One of the TNT bundles comes straight off the screen and rolls down the theater aisle towards Danny. Questioning his reality, Danny runs for it - KA-BOOM!

 Suddenly, Danny finds himself smack in the middle of the Jack Slater movie, experiencing all the action and AC/DC soundtrack close-up. (Click here for another gem with an AC/DC soundtrack.) But, from Jack's perspective, Danny has unexplainable knowledge about his world and personal life and becomes an asset to Jack and his current situation. Well, that settles it then. Jack's angry police makes Danny Jack's partner... Yep. That's realistic. It worked in Dick Tracy.

The intentions with this movie are very clear, just misguided. The producers wanted to tap the Arnold Schwarzenegger who had made audiences laugh with the hit comedy Twins, but thought it would be funny to spoof the hard-nosed action career that made him famous. Unfortunately, they didn't realize comedy wasn't a natural thing for Arnold. When Arnold killed somebody, slipped in a one-liner, and managed to get some laughs, was it because the audience actually thought he was funny? What was funny about Arnold's one-off's was how wrong they were. Murdering someone and making a joke about it is funny, but not for a kids movie. Imagine if PeeWee's Big Adventure suddenly turned into Natural Born Killers... Actually, that would be pretty great. 

But it all just raises the question again of who this movie is really for? When you got a kids going to see a self-referential Arnie movie, in which Arnold kills lots of people, in a cartoonish PG fashion, and you got a whole lot of cameos (Sharon Stone, Robert Patrick, Pam Anderson, Odd Job, Jim Belushi, MC Hammer, Little Richard, JCVD, Tom Noonan) for movies that were rated R, and that kids couldn't even get into the theater to see, who is this movie really for? I've deduced that it's a film for kids who managed to watch movies they shouldn't have seen. We all were those kids, but Last Action Hero waters down the violence and grit to the point of losing the guilty pleasure action movies give the audience. And just because you add an animated cat in the movie voiced by Danny Devito in the mix doesn't make it a kids movie. Cool World had animated characters too.

That all said, some of the adult humor is quite funny. The most clever scene in the movie takes place in a Blockbuster Video where Danny questions the logic of movie phone numbers and how they all seem to start with 555. "How can everyone have a phone number with 555 in it?" Arnie brings up the crippling point, "That's why we have area codes." That was pretty funny, but kids won't get that. Neither will they get the joke when the real Arnie is at the Jack Slater premiere and his former wife Maria Shriver tells him not to plug his restaurant. That was pretty funny too, but I actually went to Planet Hollywood and that was no joke.

With a running time of over two hours, this movie is far too long, definitely losing steam by time the villains enter the real world and Danny and Jack go after them. Why the villains would even want to leave their fantastical movie world for a bleak, depressing reality I'm not sure. The villain Benedict says that he could open gates for other movie villains to enter the real world, but wouldn't he have already done that by now? 

The movie was nominated for several Razzie Awards, but won none of them. It's not terrible. It kind of just falls into that era of Family Friend Arnold Schwarzenegger followed by Junior and Jingle All The Way. Of all those movies, this is probably the best one or maybe the least embarrassing. For those reasons, it's worth watching.  

For your viewing displeasure, Danny's entrance into Jack Slater's world...

BAD MOVIES THAT SHOULD BE SEEN (28 OF 100)

"Gorgo" (1961), Dir: Eugene Lourie

$$$ Unknown in Budget vs. Unknown in Gross $$$

Studio's have been trying to make a successful western-version of Godzilla for decades. In the late 90s, they attempted this feat with that giant pile of dung Godzilla, where the trademark monster went to New York and looked nothing like it did before. In 2008, Cloverfield was made, featuring a lanky-armed beast that the studios hoped would've filled the big guy's shoes, but hasn't reared his ugly head since. And most recently, a trailer for the new Godzilla was just posted today. However, in this ongoing search for the next Godzilla, the Americans should have learned from the British who attempted it back in the 1960s. Their Godzilla was named Gorgo and he unfortunately fell under the radar in terms of classic movie monsters...

Most people have little patience for monster movies. They want monsters, destruction, and bad special effects, and if they don't get that, they lose interest. In the original Godzilla, the movie opens with what remains of Tokyo after Godzilla's warpath. We see the devastation and all the wounded people, as if a nuclear bomb just went off (wink, wink), so immediately we are interested in what's happening. In the only Gorgo, the movie starts with a thunder storm and a volcano eruption. Then, for the first ten minutes of the movie, it's mostly sailors investigating a small Irish village. Captain Joe Ryan (Bill Travers) takes an interest in the area after mounds of dead fish start appearing around the waters. Then the body of a diver appears, having died because of fright. Uh-oh! But then things still don't get started because they go talk to the villagers about it, who deny any knowledge of what is happening.

Gorgo's main problem is that its beginning is very, very boring. In keeping with the mindset of the monster movie audience, the first ten to fifteen minutes is so painfully slow that I am not surprised people stop watching before the monster even appears. (It's almost as bad as the first ten minutes of White Zombie.) When more divers go to check things out, they find the monster Gorgo at the bottom of the ocean, released by the volcanic eruption. When word gets out, poachers hunt the creature, only to get attacked by this miniature Godzilla with glowing red eyes and a nearly identical roar. That is when the movie gets started. From there, Gorgo attacks the village. But in retaliation, the villagers fight back throwing flaming torches to scare it off. Now, this was something that interested me. Never in monster movies has the monster ever really been afraid of something, as real animals would be. Godzilla never seemed afraid of anything. He was always kinda oblivious to the elements around him.

Captain Joe Ryan and his crew make a deal with the villagers, claiming that they can rid the village of the monster for a price. In their first attempt, they lower an officer in a steel pod to the sea's bottom. There, the pod finds Gorgo merrily swimming along the bottom. Gorgo sees the pod, grabs it, and nearly crushes it. I like this part too because no one ever got this close to Godzilla before, so it created some tension. Once the metal pod goads Gorgo to surface, the crew deploys the fishing nets, capturing the monster nearly as big as their own ship.

Borrowing from the plot of King Kong, Gorgo becomes the sensation of the European airwaves. There are scenes where they transport Gorgo in ships and with cranes, which are actually the best special effects in the movie. Not often do these movies show the monsters actually interacting with their environment as opposed to just destroying it. On top of this idea, the movie also calls into question things such as the logistics of capturing monster, transporting it, containing it, drugging it; whether it belongs in a lab, a zoo, its natural habitat; or whether the Irish own it because it came from their shores or the British own it because they captured it. So many ideas to be explored when most monster movies just dismiss them.

Possibly the best scene of the movie is when Gorgo is put in a giant pen and people gawk and scream at it. This movie actually gives the monster some personality, something for the audience to connect with. You feel sorry for Gorgo and despise the humans. Once Gorgo has officially become a side show attraction, its captors are summoned by the Ministry of Science to hear of a discovery that has been made. It turns out that their monster is not an adult monster but an infant, making its theoretical parent probably two-hundred feet tall and presumably looking for its lost child. Then, the very next scene, back in the Irish village, a much bigger, much angrier version of Gorgo (referred to as Orca) rises from the waters and vengefully destroys the village. Its next stop: London, England, and not for a spot of f%$@ing tea. 

Having re-watched this, I've realized it has more plot, ideas, and dramatic devices than any Godzilla movies ever did. Does this make it better? Hard to say, because I love that big lug. The sequences with Orca are pretty great, especially the one where they set fire to the whole harbor to scare the monster away, but just ends up pissing it off more. The climax of the movie is watching Orca destroy most of London, which I found more engaging than watching Godzilla destroying Tokyo because I was more familiar with the British landmarks. Seeing Orca demolish a clearly hollow Big Ben (clocks don't have insides, right?) was definitely a high-point. Despite a boring opening and a kinda cheesy ending, I'd call this movie The Thinking Man's Godzilla. Its main problem: thinking is not why you typically watch these movies.

For your viewing displeasure, a short documentary on the making of Gorgo...

BAD MOVIES THAT SHOULD BE SEEN (27 OF 100)

"Bad Taste" (1987), Dir: Peter Jackson

$30,000 in Budget vs. $26,000 in Gross

I remember seeing Bad Taste at a friend's house. While watching it, we're overjoyed to see the role of Derek being played by the film's director Peter Jackson. Then we were even more overjoyed to see the role of the alien menace Robert also played by Peter Jackson. Laughing our asses off, we watched as Robert actually attacks Derek, knocking him off a cliff into a pile of jagged rocks. Having just recently finished The Lord of The Rings trilogy, my friend brought up a point, "This guy just won an Academy Award, folks."

For those of you who have followed the career of Peter Jackson Pre-Lord of The Rings, you know that there are two Peter Jackson's. There is the Peter Jackson who brought us the B-movie gems Bad Taste, Meet The Feebles, and Dead Alive, later to elevate to The Frighteners and Heavenly Creatures. Then came the "New Peter Jackson" who made epic sagas like Lord of The Rings, The Hobbit, King Kong, Lovely Bones, etc. And as much as I like to say that I am proud of the New Peter Jackson for rising through the ranks and showing guys like Lucas, Spielberg, and Cameron how it's done, I miss the Old Peter Jackson... but also realize that he can never go back to his old ways. That's why seeing movies like Bad Taste shows how far this director has come.

In Bad Taste, a small New Zealand Town gets taken over by aliens, who have disguised themselves in human form, leaving the audience only able to tell they are aliens because they all wear blue shirts. But as the character Derek describes, "It's like we got a visit from a planet of Charlie Mansons." However, we never witness the town being taken over by aliens or the carnage that ensued, so the film's beginning is kinda boring. We really could have used one really big massacre to get us going. But once the violence does get started, the movie becomes much more entertaining.

The human characters are from The Astro Investigation & Defense Services (or AIDS), which makes a habit of employing gun-toting metal heads and creepy psychos. At the time of the town's disappearance, AID's own Barry and Derek are on the scene and managed to capture one of the aliens (Robert, also played by Peter Jackson). When Barry is attacked by a group of aliens and forced to hide in an abandoned shed, Derek begins torturing Robert for information... Now, to the untrained eye, most probably wouldn't even realize that they are essentially watching Peter Jackson torturing Peter Jackson.

When hearing the strange cries of Robert, the blue-shirt aliens go after Derek with mallets and sledgehammers (the best weapons earth has to offer) while Derek breaks out the uzi. "I'm a Derek and Derek's don't run." Then all hell breaks loose in one of the goriest gun battles (pre-Hobo With a Shotgun), but results in Derek falling off the cliff and splattering all over jagged rocks. (This sequence does have a hilarious dummy prat-fall.) Meanwhile, a Bible Salesman stumbles into the abandoned town, only to find himself being hunted by Robert. The Salesman takes refuge in a nearby house, finding himself smack in the home-base of the alien invasion. Led by raspy Lord Crumb, he divulges to the salesmen that humans have become the new fast food sensation of the galaxy and that they are planning to harvest all of earth for their new chain.

As this is happens, back at the bluffs, Derek suddenly sits up, somehow alive. He notices several splattered (and incredibly fake-looking) dead seagulls where he landed, but also finds pieces of his brain on the ground. Soon enough, he comes to realize that his brain is falling out of the gaping wound in his head. Derek manages to use his belt and a top-hat to keep anymore brains from falling out. But now, literally losing his mind, Derek breaks out the chainsaw he's had waiting in the back of his van and begins his deranged quest for vengeance.

What does this movie have to offer? A lot of bad Hair Metal Soundtrack. Lots of falling, fumbling, or character's losing their guns. Elongated action sequences with predictable, unsurprising consequences. Characters constantly referring to each other by their names, even though they have apparently worked together for years. This movie definitely looks like something Peter Jackson made in his backyard with his friends. The only thing that really separates it from a student film is the Tom Savini-inspired gore and the spacecraft shaped like a house that takes off in the third act.

Now, what makes this worth seeing? All the revolting things Peter Jackson subjects himself to: (1) Eats brains with a spoon. (2) Vomits an excess of green goo into a bowl. (3) Replaces part of his missing brain with an aliens. (4) Dives down an alien's throat chainsaw first and comes out his asshole, and that's just the beginning... Need I say more or show more? 

For your viewing displeasure, Peter Jackson in his very own action sequence...